Review: Kid Icarus: Of Myths and Monsters

Publisher: Nintendo
Developer: Nintendo

The original Kid Icarus for the NES gets a lot more credit than it deserves. It was made at the same time as Metroid, so people remember it as being better than it actually was. Kid Icarus was frustratingly hard, and one mistimed jump could destroy all your progress.

It's funny: During the making of Super Smash Bros. Brawl, they included a few music tracks from Kid Icarus. The two main tracks that they used were the only two that people remembered: the music from the opening level and the music you hear when you disturb a Reaper, also something you hear on the first level. That's kind of telling, isn't it?
Kid Icarus: Of Myths and Monsters for the Game Boy is a far, far superior game to the original Kid Icarus. There are fewer enemies than the NES version, so you don't get mobbed like you do in the NES game. There's also no insta-death, meaning that a mistimed or misplaced jump won't instantly erase all the progress you've made in a level.

There are tons of secrets to find, too. If you collect hammers you can  destroy statues that give you health or bang open entrances to new secret rooms by destroying blocks. Some secret rooms have health-regenerating springs, while others may give you a place to use your hearts (Kid Icarus' currency) to buy new items.

I have only a few complaints with Kid Icarus: Of Myths and Monsters. First of all, it's a little grind-tastic. If you speed through the levels without killing anything, you won't get any of the special bonuses, like stronger arrows or increased health. You also won't have enough hearts to buy any of the good equipment. If you want to get the good stuff, you'll have to sit in the middle of a level for a while to kill enemies. It artificially pads the length of the game, but if you grind away at an enemy type for about five minutes, you're usually fine.

The collision detection can be a little imprecise, but it errs on the side of caution. There will be times where your sprite will pass through a platform you're jumping at, only to find yourself standing on it a split second later. There will also be some times where you'll think you've been hit by something, but the game doesn't register the hit or the damage. At least it's not the other way around.

Finally, the final boss is incredibly difficult. I'm sure there's a pattern he follows, but every time I fight him, the pattern is, "Please don't kill me, oh, great, you killed me." One of these days I'll have to read an FAQ about it.

If you have a 3DS and a passing interest in Kid Icarus games, Kid Icarus: Of Myths and Monsters is well worth your time. It's not the best game in the world, but it's a definite improvement over the original Kid Icarus and a lot of fun.

Final Rating: B

Review: Donkey Kong

Developer: Nintendo
Publisher: Nintendo

Donkey Kong is one of those games that everyone has played at some point. You play as Mario as you climb to the top of a structure, Donkey Kong gets mad, carries away your girlfriend, you chase him to the next structure, get to the top of it, and so on. It's fun for about five minutes, and then you start wondering what else you can play.

You may be excused if you think that the Game Boy version of Donkey Kong (often colloquially referred to as "Donkey Kong '94") is the same thing. After all, it starts out looking almost exactly like the original with some slightly fancier graphics. Is it just a cheap cash-in?

Oh, Lord no.
Finish the first four levels, and Donkey Kong '94 opens wide to show you what it's really all about. In each of the new levels, your goal is to pick up a key and get it to a door. It's a heck of a lot harder than it sounds, and you'll need your wits about you to pull off some of the more devious levels.

Donkey Kong '94 is very long, with almost 100 levels and hours worth of playtime. There are surprises and special moves galore. The difficulty curve ramps up nicely and extra lives are abundant. You'll need almost all of those extra lives in some of the later levels, I can tell you that.

The music is also some of the best of the Game Boy era. There are some really atmospheric tracks, and I won't spoil them in this review. Just suffice to say that in some levels, I found myself finding a safe place where I could just listen to the music for a bit. Here's a sample:

Donkey Kong '94 is one of the best values in the 3DS Virtual Console. It's one of the lost classics of the Game Boy era, a game that's really never gotten its due because of the system it was released on. Play it and see why it's so great. I'm sure you'll agree with me.

Final Rating: A+

NES Replay: Adventures In The Magic Kingdom

Developer: Capcom
Publisher: Capcom
Released: 1990
Disney: What Is Your Problem Anyway

In NES Replay, we go through each NES game from A-Z to see if they're any good. Today: Adventures In The Magic Kingdom.

Developers, take note: If you decide to make a game for kids, make the game for kids.

Adventures in the Magic Kingdom is either made for kids or incredibly creepy adults who sleep in Mickey Mouse pajamas, one or the other. Since I can only assume that "creepy adults" is not a prized segment of Disney's marketing department, we'll go ahead and assume the game is made for kids.

You may think that I'm saying that there's objectionable content in this game, but there isn't. It's just really, really hard. Laughably hard.

You want an example? All right. In order to reach the final area of the game, you have to answer a series of  trivia questions. These are not normal questions. Here's a small sampling of some of the more ridiculous ones.

ANSWER ME

Now, some have accused me of having a weird, encyclopedic memory. I can tell you that Harry S Truman's favorite food was Ozark Pudding. I can tell you that Joe McCarthy was the manager of the Yankees in the 30's and 40's, and then he jumped ship for the Red Sox. I can tell you that James Dean only starred in three movies, "Rebel Without A Cause," "Giant" and "East of Eden." I didn't have to look up any of that information, it was just sort of there.

This is to say that I'm a bit of a trivia master, and I couldn't tell you the answers to any of these questions. Maybe an adult who was alive around the time that Mickey Mouse was created or "Spin and Marty" was still on the air could tell you the answer, but why would they be playing this game?

The levels are ridiculously difficult as well. In one side-scrolling level, you have no weapons and frequently get mobbed by pirates. You can't fight back, you just have to run from them. In another side-scrolling level, you navigate a haunted house with a limited amount of weapons. Wouldn't it have made sense to have the weapons available against the pirates, and make you run away from the ghosts? Whatever. The only remotely fun level is the haunted house, and that's only because you have a fighting chance.

In another level, you have to fly a spaceship through an endless parade of dots that are supposed to represent stars. Mickey will tell you what buttons to press and when in order not to "hit" anything in space. If you don't press that button RIGHT NOW you'll take damage, and the level just keeps going faster and faster. I have experience playing games like that and couldn't finish that level.

And finally, in another level, you're supposed to race against opponents on go-karts. You'll frequently get attacked by your opponents. I do mean, "attacked." They will attempt to ram you off the road on purpose, and won't stop until you're dead.

OK, so you tell me, is this game for kids? Would a child gladly pick up this game and enjoy it, or would they say that it sucks and quit? I would tell you what I did, but I think you can figure that out by now.

Final Rating:

Next Week: The Adventures of Bayou Billy

Using Windows 8 Now

So Microsoft finally decided to take my money and I'm using Windows 8 now. It's... a lot like Windows 7. Just 8-ier.

I'd Like To Make The Windows 8 Leap

I'd like to make the Windows 8 leap, but apparently Microsoft doesn't want my money. Their payment processing is down, so that's cool.

Making The Windows 8 Leap

I'm upgrading to Windows 8. Wish me luck, and we'll see you on the other side.

NES Replay: Adventure Island III

Developer: Hudson
Publisher: Hudson
Released: 1992
Disappointment Level: High

In NES Replay, we go through each NES game from A-Z to see if they're any good. Today: Adventure Island III.

There are a few things in life that are absolutely horrible. Jumping off a roof and landing on a bicycle with no seat? Horrible. Tripping and faceplanting in a pile of dog poop? Horrible. Biting into an apple and seeing half a worm inside? Horrible.

You know what else is absolutely horrible? Playing a game that you remember being awesome and finding it to be bad. That's horrible.

Adventure Island III was one of those game that I remembered being awesome. Sure, the music and the graphics were taken wholesale from Adventure Island II, but I loved Adventure Island II! What's wrong with more Adventure Island II?

However, Adventure Island III barely throws anything new into the mix. There's a new dinosaur that rolls into a ball, but he's hard to control and gets you killed more often than not. The bosses are impossibly hard. I cheated like crazy and still ended up dying thirty times to the very first boss.

BLAND BLAND BLAND
BLAND BLAND BLAND

You get a boomerang as a new weapon, but it's completely useless since you can only throw one at a time and it doesn't return in a clean, predictable trajectory. The new music is nowhere near as catchy as the recycled stuff, and the new levels don't look nearly as good as the recycled ones either.

I'm going to get on my high horse for just a moment, so I hope you'll indulge me. When a company pumps out sequel after sequel to a game, there are bound to be recycled assets involved, but what's worse than the recycled assets are the recycled ideas. You simply can't pump out game after game and expect the good ideas to keep on flowing. Sega discovered this with Sonic, Neversoft discovered it with Tony Hawk, and Activision is discovering it with all the franchises they're currently running into the ground.

That feels like what happened with Adventure Island III. Instead of coming up with new ideas, they just made what amounted to a glorified expansion pack for the second game, but made it crappier. Ah well. At least we still have Adventure Island II.

Final Rating:

Adventure Island Series Rating:

1. Adventure Island II
2. The kiss from a unicorn upon my brow, awaking me from slumber to a wonderful fairy-tale land of delights
3. Adventure Island
4. Adventure Island III

Next week: Adventures In The Magic Kingdom