The Real Trouble With Voyager

I have to take issue with an article on RogerEbert.com entitled Now, "Voyager": In Praise Of The Trekkiest "Trek" Of All. In it, Ian Grey basically says that the reason Star Trek fans didn't like Voyager is because it had female characters as the lead, and male fans didn't like that.

To which I say: Bull puckey.
The problem with Voyager was never the female leads, but rather the lack of urgency and poor execution of an awesome idea.

Look, Voyager was supposed to be about two separate ships with opposing philosophies flung across the galaxy that had no one to turn to but each other. Think of the possibilities of that sort of Star Trek series. As a matter of fact, you don't need to think of the possibilities: Battlestar Galactica handled those possibilities through the first three seasons or so and showed what kind of show Voyager could have been.

At the end of every Voyager episode, the reset button was pushed. No matter how broken the ship was, it would be pulled back together. No matter how fractured the crew, there was a perfectly good reason for it and everything would be fixed. No one questioned Janeway's authority. No one tried to suggest settling down. No one gave in to despair. Compare this to BSG. BSG was willing to go to dark, dark places that Voyager never dared.

People don't like a TV show unless it feels real. Voyager never, ever felt real. Since the reset button was always being pushed, there were no stakes, hence no sense of realness.

Well, what about the female characters? Is that why the show never connected?

Not exactly. BSG gave us a strong female character in President Roslin who frequently butted heads with the male characters. No one complained about her.

Yet, here is Mr. Grey placing all of the blame for Voyager at the feet of misogynists who disliked female characters, when they were the best thing about the show. News Flash: A lot of Star Trek fans are female. They wanted to see a female character. No one was complaining about the female characters at the time, yet here we are, pointing fingers years later.

The real problem with Voyager is this: Voyager ran from 1995-2001. When it began, NYPD Blue, with its emphasis on real situations, conflict and story arcs that had consequences had just begun. By the time Voyager ended, The West Wing was at its full power and The Sopranos was signaling a paradigm shift in the way we thought of TV. Star Trek: Voyager pales in comparison to other shows that were on the air at the time, and only looks worse in retrospect.

And the amount of women on the show had nothing to do with it.

NES Replay Hiatus

As of this week, NES Replay is going on hiatus until August 5th. How come? For a couple of reasons.

I've noticed that the quality of my NES Replay output has dropped considerably. I want to fix that.

I've also been focusing on the book recently, and I've had to throw out large chunks of what I was working on because I came up with a much, much better way of doing this. Heck, I might even blow up NES Replay just to do it, it's that good.

So this hiatus will give me time to catch up with the book, as well as build up a nice buffer zone of articles that I can work through. I'll still be posting reviews of other things (like the amazing Animal Crossing: New Leaf).

"I knew you would quit! I knew you would get so far and then stop! I called it!"

No, you didn't. I'm not quitting.

"But a hiatus is just as bad!"

Look, would you rather have low-quality rushed stuff, or higher-quality work that's been refined? I know what I would like.

So anyway, on August 5th we'll return with Baby Boomer, which is awful, then the week after work through Back to the Future, which is awful, then do Back to the Future 2 & 3, which is awful, the week after.

Sony Wins E3, Microsoft Has A Sad

Let's count the ways that Sony just pantsed Microsoft in front of everyone at E3.
1) Microsoft is offering the XBox One at $499.

Is that a crazy price? First of all, while it's a high price, it's not a historically high price. The way I check to see if a console price is reasonable is by comparing it to the NES (one of the most successful consoles of all time) and adjusting for inflation.

In 1985, Nintendo sold the NES for $199. That would be approximately $417 in today's money.

The XBox One works out to about $237 in 1985 money. Still a little high, but not excessive. Sony is offering the PS4 at $399. That's $189 in 1985 money. I know, I know, "Wow, $399 is less than $499? Who would have thought!"

That's not the point, though. My point is that the X1 isn't as outrageously priced as it would appear on the surface.

That being said, Sony wins this battle emphatically. Getting consumers to pay $100 more for a system that appears similar is going to be a tough sell.

2) Sony's games look better.

Sony's development studios are just plain better than Microsoft's. Microsoft took great pains to point out the first-party games they were releasing on the X1, and they even pointed out that they made overtures to other smaller developers. Project Spark is certainly an interesting concept, and Halo 5 will sell piles of copies. Titanfall will also be a hit.

Once again, though, Sony's development studios have demonstrated time and again that they beat Microsoft's on quality and consistency. Their games are more plentiful and, in my opinion, just plain better. Your mileage may vary.

3) Used games are allowed on the PS4.

This is the key that's sending lots of goodwill in Sony's direction. Now Microsoft has to explain a convoluted used game process, along with family plans, accounts and activation fees. Sony just has to say, "Buy the game. It'll worked, used or not."

This is a big, big deal. All it takes are a few misinformed customers who try and resell their X1 games to Gamestop to make them swear off of Microsoft forever.

Microsoft's response is that it's up to each publisher to decide if they want to allow used games, and that's even worse. So, if EA allows reselling but Activision doesn't, now the consumer has to know that up front. If they don't, they're in for a rude awakening. Confusion is never, ever, ever a good thing.

Sony learned this lesson with the PSPGo. They learned that if a DRM system is not in the consumer's best interests, the consumer will reject it. Wisely, they jettisoned it and never went back. Microsoft watched the PSPGo happening and said, "We want in on that."

____

So now we have to revise the ceiling for the PS4. The sky is absolutely the limit. It has the price, the simplicity and the games to soundly defeat the X1. The basement is PS1-level, which is still mighty good.

Microsoft's ceiling is probably the same as the original XBox: A system that has a dedicated following, but wasn't as successful as it could have been. It's basement? PSPGo-level failure with a hasty redesign and price drop.

NES Replay: Aussie Rules Footy

I love sports, but it amazes me how many sports I don't know anything about. I know baseball and football pretty well, and basketball, hockey and soccer in passing. I know barely anything about rugby and cricket, which are only two of the most popular sports throughout the world. I know even less about Australian rules football.

Yet, here I am, having to review Aussie Rules Footy. I'm also setting a goal for myself throughout this review: I will make it through this review without saying "G'day mate!", "throw another shrimp on the barbie," "digeridoo," "That's not a knife," and making jokes about Vegemite or Men At Work.

Wish me luck.

Apparently, Australian Rules Football is played on a round field, and it begins with a jump ball of sorts. The referee bounces the ball on the field, and then the players run at it. In Aussie Rules Footy, I could never get to the ball.

Next, you're apparently supposed to run with the ball, then kick it through some uprights to score. Or something. I think. I didn't score once while the computer obliterated me.

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT'S GOING ON

I couldn't find a "tackle" button and kept trying to tackle my opponents from behind. It wasn't until after I was done playing that I looked it up. I found out that in Australian Rules Football, you can obstruct the players or tackle with your hands, but not like you can in American football. That's probably for the best, considering all the brain injury problems that American football has.

Also, whenever I started up a game, I played as Collingwood, just because one of my favorite bands is Fountains of Wayne, and Cris Collingwood is the lead singer. That's a good reason to pick a team, right?

In closing, Aussie Rules Footy is great! I think. Well, depending. Is it?

Ah, screw it.

Final Rating:

NES Replay Today? Don't Panic!

You may be wondering where NES Replay is today. Don't panic! It's on its way! I also made one for last week, but I didn't promote it a ton.

What's the holdup? I've been insanely busy with my book, and I completely restructured, like, everything with it. By conservative estimate, it's four million times better now.

I'll have more details soon. NES Replay isn't going anywhere, though, and today's article is on its way. I just need to insert screenshots and other detritus. Stay tuned!

NES Replay: Attack of the Killer Tomatoes

Great graphics can cover for lackluster gameplay, but only for so long.

This happens with a lot of games. Once the "wow" factor is over, players are left actually having to, you know, play the game. If you've spent more time on your graphics than the gameplay, you're going to be in trouble.

Case in point: Attack of the Killer Tomatoes. Attack of the Killer Tomatoes was a B-movie parody that spawned a mildly successful movie franchise and a cartoon series. The game is apparently based on the cartoon series, although I have little experience with either.

There's a ton of detail in this game. For example, when your character walks underneath a street lamp, his sprite changes color slightly to make it look like it's lit up. The titular tomatoes look menacing and their animation is fantastic. The sewers look appropriately grimy.

It's obvious that a ton of care was placed into the graphics. The gameplay didn't receive as much love.

The first level really looks cool. You're in a city, and there are angry tomatoes everywhere. It's almost enough to trick you into thinking that you're playing a really cool game, until you realize, "All I'm doing is walking left-to-right." There are no obstacles except for the tomatoes everywhere. The flashy background doesn't mean anything and has no bearing on the game whatsoever.

That's when the wheels start coming off. The jumping physics feel a little off. You have to kill the tomatoes and other enemies by jumping on them, and there are many times where you swear that you hit a tomato on its head. Instead, the game registers that you got hit by the tomato and took damage. This is especially a problem with the smallest tomatoes, which will pursue you constantly. Fortunately, once they hit you they splatter and die, but there are still a lot of them.

Another thing: I hate mazes in games. I hate them with every fiber of my being. They're a cheap and lazy way to make your game longer, and developers used them a lot during this era as a crutch.

Well, the sewer level is a giant maze. There's no map or indicator of where you are in that maze. You can end up wandering around for ages not sure if you're heading in the right direction or even what you're doing there. There's no propulsion or level flow to indicate that you're going the right way. There are also a lot of cul-de-sacs and dead ends, so you'll go through an especially treacherous section of the level and at the end all you have to show for it is a health pickup.

It's a painful second level after an interesting first level. Since I was so turned around, I never got to the third level. Maybe things pick up from there, I don't know. I doubt it, since the first two levels are so unoriginal.

The graveyard of gaming is littered with games that had fantastic graphics and substandard gameplay. If your only goal as a developer is to make a game that looks pretty and sells a few copies, fine. If you want to make something really lasting that people will remember for years, don't waste all your time on graphics. Maybe spend some time cleaning up the gameplay. Future reviewers will thank you.

Final Rating:

Next Week: Aussie Rules Footy

NES Replay: Athletic World

Developer: Bandai
Publisher: Nintendo
Released: 1987
Glad I Don't Have To Run: I'm Fat

One of the problems with video games as they're currently made is that they go obsolete so fast. After only a few short years, it can be nearly impossible to get some of the hardware in your hands, which means that the games themselves are rendered almost unplayable far too quickly.

Case in point: The NES Power Pad. The Power Pad was a peripheral for the NES that had players running and jumping in place in order to play games. Its DNA is found in games like Dance Dance Revolution and Wii Fit. Fortunately, Power Pads are still plentiful, but who knows for how long that will last. How can you review a game that needs the Power Pad to get the full experience, like Athletic World?

The answer: Imperfectly.
In order to play an emulated version of Athletic World, you first have to find an emulator that can emulate the Power Pad. Then you have to somehow figure out what keys correspond to what, which takes a lot longer than you think. It took me a good ten minutes just to figure out what buttons you have to press to get the game to start.

This is exactly how I feel when I exercise too.

However, once you get underway, you find that emulation can't do everything. Sometimes it can be a pale mockery of what it's supposed to emulate. For Athletic World, you simply can't get the whole experience of playing the game by banging your fingers on a keyboard rhythmically. It’s a game that’s meant to be played by running and jumping around, and “running” with your fingers on the keyboard just feels silly.

Even with that meager information at our fingertips (Ha!), it's clear that Athletic World is light on content. There are five games included, and all of them involve running and jumping. In one, you jump over hurdles, in another you run while jumping over logs, and so on. To be fair, there wasn't much else you could do with the Power Pad aside from that, but still.

There's something funny built into the game, though: The designers knew that people would try and cheat at Athletic World. I always find it hilarious that people will try and cheat an exercise program, but whatever.

How can you cheat at a Power Pad game? It’s kind of funny: Kids would get on their knees and smack the Power Pad with their hands, then lifting up their hands when it was time to jump. It’s a lot of work to go through just to fake running and jumping. I mean, at that point you might as well be doing the running and jumping normally.

The developers of Athletic World knew that players would try cheating like this, so if you're "jumping" for too long, your on-screen avatar comes crashing back to the ground and is stunned for a bit. That means that you actually have to run and jump normally in order to win, or at least cheat well enough to fake the game out.

With the way the video game industry is currently running, this is the sort of information that gets lost over time. Video game systems and peripherals pop up and become obsolete so quickly that it's near impossible to keep up unless you’re actively and constantly playing new games. I've never been a proponent of having just one video game system instead of several competing formats, but sadly, in time that may be the best way to preserve these pieces of gaming history for future generations.

Final Rating:

Next Week: Attack of the Killer Tomatoes