Giants Make Coaching Change - Jim Fassel Laughs Until Snot Bubbles Out Of His Nose

So, in case you are unaware, the Giants have relieved their offensive coordinator, John Hufnagel, of his play-calling duties, handing them over to Kevin Gilbride. The best part of all of this is Eli Manning's response:

"It's an awkward situation," Manning said of the switch. "I feel it's somewhat my fault."

Really? Really, Eli? The fact that you keep whipping passes into triple coverage got someone demoted? Huh. Imagine that.

"Our offense hasn't been playing real well...It didn't have to do with the coaching or the play calling. We didn't execute or do anything right."

Honesty is the first step, there, Eli.

I'm not an Eli hater, really I'm not. I root for the guy. I have to. He's on my fantasy team.

Regardless, it's time to call a spade a spade. He's not getting it done. Granted, some of this is because an NFL offense is really hard to pick up. Drew Brees didn't really blossom until his 4th year. It takes time, no doubt. Maybe Eli will get it.

However, most of the mistakes he makes are because he doesn't read the coverage. As Tuesday Morning Quarterback will tell you, many of his mistakes can be traced back to lack of discipline. He'll rip off a pass to a clearly covered guy, and he does this a lot.

He's not the only one to blame, though. Plaxico Burress is also to blame. You can see it: when a pass is delivered right on the numbers, it magically slips through his fingers. When he has to stretch and leap to get it, he'll catch it. Fortunately for him, he's playing with Eli Manning, so most passes do not end up right on the numbers. In other words, there's enough blame to spread around for this team.

What's the solution?

Tom Coughlin is almost certainly out after the season. If he isn't, there needs to be an inquest into this. Coughlin runs into these problems everywhere he goes: When he's winning, his totalitarian policies are seen as a "disciplinarian" style. When he's losing, his policies are seen as an "impotent, sulking man-boy" style.

See, if Tom Coughlin was your boss, this is the kind of boss he'd be: He would be standing at the door, fuming, at 10 minutes to 9, tapping his watch and glaring holes in your head as you walked in. When you came in to work, he would call you into his office and explain, veins throbbing in his forehead, that you need to be a "team player," and mention that "Everyone needs to pull their own weight, and frankly, I don't see you doing that." It's virtually unbearable when everything is going well, and when it's not going well, it makes you want to dump your $4.50 venti latte all over his Armani suit, throw the cup at his head, and tell him to commit a degrading act to some type of livestock.

Only after divesting themselves of Coughlin can they actually start fixing these problems. However, it may already be too late for Eli. Eli will probably develop, at best, into a serviceable QB, who might cost you a game here and there, like a Jake Plummer. There may still be time to save this thing, but not this season.

Lost Makes Me Angry

So, I've finally figured out why "Lost" makes me so angry.

It's not the hanging plot details. No, those I expected from Day One.

It's not the slow pace of the show. I like slow-paced shows.

It's not the incessant flashbacks. I think it works perfectly.

I'm angry because they don't have a point.

Here's what I mean: They spent all of Season 2 setting up the Tailies. Ana Lucia, Libby, Eko, all these interesting characters. They give them back stories. (Except for Libby. What was that about? They set this up so mysteriously. "Oooh! She's in the mental institution! Oooh, she ran into Desmond!" AND?!) Eko's back story, in particular, was incredible.

So, what do they do? They kill Ana Lucia and Libby. I'm okay with that. It was a really shocking moment. You didn't expect it. It reinforced the whole "any character can die at any time" thing. No big deal.

Next, there's this big "incident" in the hatch. You spend all season in this hatch, and now, everyone just walks away from it and not another word is said. There was a freaking IMPLOSION in the hatch. And, mysteriously, no one wants to talk about it. Okay, I'm all right.

Now, there might be OTHER people on the island. There's a lady interrogating Jack, and more of the Others that are introduced. Plus, you're pushing to the forefront some other random couple that's been in the background the whole time. As if we need more characters, more balls to juggle. Okay, I'm still okay.

Then they kill Eko.

Now, this was the straw that broke the camel's back. One of the most intriguing characters of last season, Eko was just plain cool. He did everything the island told him to do, all while carrying around a Bible beat-down stick. You give him, not one, but TWO whole episodes of exposition. You save the guy from a polar bear. And for what? Just to kill him?

This is the problem. Much like this blog, Lost is getting more and more unfocused as time goes on. They're not tying anything together.

Take a look at Heroes. Already, halfway through the first season, they're explaining things. You see which direction the show is going. Shows are now being advertised with taglines that basically say, "Watch our show for 10 episodes and we'll explain everything. Scout's Honor."

Does this mean that when Lost comes on for the spring season, I will refuse to watch? Probably not. But I will feel very put out indeed.

Is This Sad?

Is it sad when you own a computer for three months, and are already wishing you could replace it?

Now, it would be downright infuriating if it was due to a technical problem. I would probably have marched over to the company, dropped it on their doorstep, and screamed bloody murder until they replaced it. Or at least this is what I would have done if I were Bizarro Lee and actually enjoyed confrontations or asserting myself.

No, this is for something much more insidious. I WANT A FASTER COMPUTER.

Is my computer fast? Oh yeah. It's fine. Really. I mean, it's faster than the last one I had by a good margin. Here's the problem:

I want SLI.

I really, really want SLI.

For the uninitiated, SLI is a feature on new motherboards which basically allows you to have two identical video cards working in tandem to provide huge benefits in video processing. What does this mean? Imagine that brand new game you bought with all the bells and whistles turned on, with crystal clear graphics. Nary a jagged line in sight.

A thing of beauty, right?

Now comes the hard part: Convincing my wife.

She enjoys video games to a degree. She thinks they're all right. She doesn't understand why I would want to zone out in front of a video game for hours, no matter how pretty it looks. She also doesn't understand why I would want to spend so much money on a computer thingy when it works perfectly fine right now.

I feel kind of guilty about this next part, so bear with me. I think I've taken to deliberately sabotaging this poor little computer.

Now, it's done nothing wrong. Believe me, this is a nice computer I have. Its only fault is its owner.

So I've started leaving the window open nearby it. At night. During rainstorms.

NOT ON PURPOSE.

My last few repairs have gone somewhat bad. A missed jumper here, maybe a little too careless with one of the drives there.

NOT ON PURPOSE.

At this rate, my computer is going to commit suicide rather than have such a careless owner. I'll find it hanging from the ceiling by its power cord with a printed note attached that says "YOUR FAULT."

The one big problem with computers is how harsh the upgrade cycle is. If you want the latest and greatest, you have to keep on top of it. You can't just buy a $4,000 computer and expect it to be the best for the next five years. You have to keep putting more and more new stuff in it. I try explaining this to my dear, sweet wife, but I merely get the response of, "It's fine right now, and you don't need to play any more video games. You've got enough as is."

Sigh. I guess I'll have to go home and practice juggling knives. Right over the computer.

10 Experiences Every Gamer Should Have

1) No One Lives Forever – Feel the breeze in the parachute level. One of the most exhilarating levels in years has you free-falling towards another man’s parachute. Can you kill the soldiers jumping out of the plane after you? Can you steal the man’s parachute before you hit the ground? A very well-done level.

2) Morrowind – Get caught in a dust storm. The sun is blotted out, and you can practically feel the dust in your eyes. Your only thought is to find shelter. It puts you inside the game like no other effect I have seen.

3) Half-Life – The Blast Pit. A giant and blind monster is what separates you from freedom. It hears your steps and slams its beak down in your direction, killing you instantly. How do you avoid it? How do you survive? The answer is in the palm of your hand.

4) Super Smash Brothers Melee – Beat your loud-mouthed friend with a well-timed, fluky throw of a capsule, which makes him throw the controller in anger and punch you in the shoulder. Sure, he’s beaten you repeatedly, and sure, it may just be one win. But man, does it feel sweet.

5) Final Fantasy VII – The End Of Disc One. If you’ve played it, you know what I mean. If you haven’t, you are missing one of the most cinematic, wrenching experiences in gaming history. Don’t let anyone spoil it for you; just play it yourself.

6) Katamari Damacy – Everything about it. The quirkiest, most original game since, well, ever. An indomitable charm that defies description and belief.

7) Donkey Kong Country – Mine Cart Madness. The best mine cart level ever. Combines speed and crazy gambits and danger all in one. The music swells and fills the air with danger. It reminds you why you like games in the first place.

8) Sonic The Hedgehog 2 – The casino level. The first time you set foot in the casino level, you know you’re in for a different experience. Never before had a video game character turned into what amounts to a pinball. The speed and precision of the level is amazing.

9) Super Mario World 2: Yoshi’s Island – Eaten by a frog. You are now in a frog’s stomach, avoiding drops of stomach acid and throwing giant eggs at his uvula. (I said UVULA, you pervert.) An example of when games stop making excuses and just get creative.

10) Rise Of Nations – Crushing your enemies under your jackbooted heel. Something about watching your opponent’s territory shrink, piece by piece, is innately satisfying. It doesn’t get any purer than that.

New Format, and a Mini Superman Review

I have a new updating schedule!

In hopes that having a regular schedule will convince people to look at this blog sometimes (Ha! Ha ha!), I am now making a shorter entry on Tuesday/Wednesday and a more in-depth entry on Fridays. This will force me to keep a deadline (something which I am sorely lacking), and also will give you, the reader, a specific time to check in with me.

So, what’s on tap for this week? Well, I saw Superman Returns this Saturday. Now, I know the rest of the world has moved on to Pirates of the Caribbean, but I’m not a big PotC fan. In my world, here is the hierarchy:

Superheroes > Pirates > Ninjas > Julia Roberts

I hope that clears things up.

I loved Superman Returns. The people we went with took issue with the ending, claiming it ruined the entire movie. I didn’t think so. Sure, it was a stereotypical ending, but it wasn’t as bad as they said it was. It’s a first-day DVD purchase for me.

So, there it is. That’s the new format I’m shooting for. Shorter early in the week, and then something big on Friday.

By the way, if you do read this blog, let me know with a comment or two. It would really help. I don’t ask for much.

Cars Review (The Movie, Not The Vehicles)

I don't know why I doubted Pixar.

You doubted too, I'm sure, when you saw the teaser trailer for "Cars." You saw the rusty tow truck saying "Dadgum!" just like I did. You thought that Pixar finally made a mistake. I did too. I don't blame you. It was the worst teaser trailer ever, possibly.

How does Cars stack up? It is very, very good. It ranks right up there with the other movies they've done, toe to toe.

Does it recycle the plot of other movies? Yes.

Does it feature racing, which for many people (like me) is not interesting? Yes.

Is it the best family film so far this year? Yes.

What makes it such a good film? The characters. Pixar always has great characters. It's such a basic thing, but they never seem to make a bad move. The rusty tow truck (His name is Mater, by the way) is actually funny. Paul Newman's crusty old Doc Hudson is well acted and very fleshed-out character. All this stuff that you don't think would work actually DOES work, and works well.

Now for the flaws. Is this a ground-breaking film? No. Have you seen a lot of this stuff before? Yeah. You have.

Will you enjoy this film? Undoubtedly. Go see it.

My review: 9.4/10

Another Football Preview - This Time It's Personal

It's time for another NFL preview, during these, the quiet summer months before the first snaps. I hate this time of year, really I do. People grasp for news straws, and every single news item becomes a Big Deal. Take, for instance, this gem from CNN.com:

http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2006/football/nfl/06/17/chargers.hardwick.ap/index.html

Wow! A center signs a six-year deal!

Now, I love the offensive line, don't get me wrong. I know they're important. But a contract for a center isn't a big story. This is on the front page of SI's NFL news. That's sad.

On to the previews:

Every has Dallas as the trendy Super Bowl pick. Certainly they're stronger with Terrell Owens. Certainly, it's a stronger team all around, with key additions and maturing players. We're still overlooking two key parts:

1) Drew Bledsoe
2) Julius Jones

Bledsoe fades as the season progresses. He's been doing it for a few years now. Jones is by far their best running back, and he's always banged up.

This reminds me of last year's Arizona Cardinals. They added Kurt Warner and everyone freaked out. Playoff predictions ran rampant from everyone, including myself. We forgot certain key information, such as 1) Kurt Warner isn't very good, 2) the Cardinal O-line isn't very good. My point? Sometimes we forget that even though parts are added, there's still other, slower, less mobile parts in the team.

So, my trendy pick? Carolina in the NFC. Why? Because of depth and experience. Carolina is a scrappy team, much like the old (like, three year old) New England teams. They've faced adversity together. And, let's face it, if the Panthers would have had another wideout last year, they would have beaten the Seahawks. I don't like the Seahawks.

What about the AFC? Yes, what about them? They're still the stronger conference, definitely, but the gap is narrowing. Think about this: Last year, how many strong teams were there in the AFC? I mean, Pittsburgh was a sixth seed. This was a deep conference. Now, this year, in the NFC, there's a few more strong teams, like Dallas and Seattle and Carolina and and Chicago and Philadelphia and San Francisco. (I just threw that last one in there to see if you were paying attention.)

However, the AFC still has solid teams. New England isn't the same team it was in years past, but they find a way to win most of the time. They can't be counted out totally, though logic dictates that they're not going to make it.

Kansas City is improved, and a full season of Larry Johnson will be fun to watch, but here's the thing about LJ: He stinks at blitz pickup. He's not disciplined enough. THAT'S why Vermeil didn't like him, and I don't blame him. Look for the passing game to sag, and everyone will blame it on Trent Green. You and I both know the real reason, though.

This year, though, I like Pittsburgh again. Cincinatti's defense is still too spongy to make a huge difference, and Carson Palmer is still a question mark after his Kimo-therapy. If Ben Roethlisberger can rebound from his motorcycle accident (he's an idiot, by the way), and the defense is the same old Pittsburgh defense, look for good things from the Steel City.

So, my picks? Carolina and Pittsburgh to meet in the Super Bowl. Who wins? Why, we all do. (This is my copout answer to avoid making a pick.)

I miss football.