NES Replay: A Boy and His Blob

Developer: Imagineering
Publisher: Absolute
Released: 1989
Wheee?: WHEEEEE

In NES Replay, we go through each NES game from A-Z to see if they're any good. Today: A Boy and His Blob.

One of the great things about the NES era is that developers didn't really know what they could or couldn't do. Sometimes this meant that developers would completely whiff on the execution, like in 8 Eyes. Sometimes, this meant that the crazy risks that would pay off, like in A Boy and His Blob.

I remember going to my local Pick & Save grocery store when I was a young lad of about eight years old and looking through the NES boxes of games I never had any chance of playing. My eyes instantly settled on A Boy and His Blob, just because the idea was so cool. The titular boy has a white blob named Blobert that can transform into different shapes when you give it jellybeans. You can make a ladder, a hole, a jack, a rocket, an umbrella, and other shapes.

Blob was the brainchild of David Crane, creator of Pitfall! and father of the 2D platformer. He hasn't made any games since 1995, so we should all look at him and make sad, frowny faces. What makes Blob so much fun is the ability to experiment with the different beans, then figuring out how to make them work within the world.

There are a few problems with Blob. First of all, the world is barren. You can walk several screens before seeing anything worth interacting with. Also, you only have a limited amount of jellybeans, so if you make lots of mistakes, you can find yourself trapped with no escape but death.

But dang it, there's a jellybean that turns Blobert into a coconut and rolls him along the ground! You can turn your blob into a blowtorch too! I mean, come on! That counts for something!

If you play Blob, don't play it like a typical platformer, expecting to jump on the heads of your enemies and use Blobert as a weapon. Instead, play it like a 90's point-and-click adventure game, where you carefully observe your environment, experiment with the tools at your disposal, then make your move. If worse comes to worst, use an FAQ. Just play it at some point.

Final Rating:

Next week: A Nightmare on Elm Street

NES Replay: 8 Eyes

Developer: Thinking Rabbit
Publisher: Taxan
Released: 1990
Thinking Rabbits: The Best Kind Of Rabbits

8 Eyes is a bad game. Let's get that out of the way first.

But unlike some other bad games, 8 Eyes is bad in a noble way. It's bad in the sense that someone tried way too hard to mash up as many different games as they could, and that's a sentiment I can get behind.
8 Eyes is a mixture between Mega Man, Castlevania, adventure games, and co-op gaming. Here's how each part shakes out:

Mega Man: You can select any stage right from the very beginning, but the bosses should be defeated in a specific order, or you're going to have a bad time.
Castlevania: You pick up weapons and ammo, climb stairs very, very slowly, and fight creatures who can kill you every time if you're not careful.
Adventure games: You have to flip switches to open doors and solve mazes in order to advance in certain worlds.
Co-op Gaming: The second player can control the main character's bird, which can be used to solve puzzles easier.

The problem is that 8 Eyes executes none of these particularly well.

For example, in Mega Man, you have the option to choose different stages, but they all are pretty different from each other. The ice stage looks completely different from the fire stage, different from the forest stage, and so forth. By contrast, 8 Eyes' stages all look nearly identical. Quick, look at the below stages and tell me which one is Spain, which one is Germany, which one is Egypt and which is Africa! GO!

Didn't think so.

Next up, while Castlevania may be tough, your whip has a reasonable reach. In 8 Eyes, your weapon only reaches as far as your opponent's weapon does, which means that you're quickly backed up against a wall, getting beaten on like a rented mule.

Not only that, but you know how in most games, when you take damage you flash for a bit and turn invincible for a split second? All of the enemies in 8 Eyes do that. When you hit them, they turn invincible, and yet they don't stop attacking you. It's really unfair.

On to adventure games. The NES just wasn't powerful enough to make real puzzles, so instead you have puzzles like giant mazes that take way too long to get through, loop back to the beginning, and are just plain cheap.

Finally, co-op gaming is great, but if your game must be played co-op or otherwise it's insanely difficult (which is definitely true of 8 Eyes), you need to start over. Someone, somewhere dropped the ball.

These ideas were all cool ideas, but just done in a lackluster manner and on a system that couldn't handle them. 8 Eyes is worth playing as a curiosity. It's a failure, but at least it's a noble one.

Final Rating:

Next Week: A Boy And His Blob: Trouble On Blobolonia

6 Reasons Batman Rules

Batman is more popular than ever. The new Batman movie, The Dark Knight Rises, is set to open soon and shatter box office records. He has two hit video games under his belt, and his comic book has been going strong after over 70 years.

What makes Batman so great? Why is he still so popular after all these years? Why is it that Batman is so much more popular nowadays than Superman, a superhero that's supposed to be more popular?

1) He's vulnerable.

If you shoot Batman in the face, he'll die. If you shoot Superman in the face, he'll look at you funny, then punch you.

This matters. It heightens the stakes. We know that Batman won't get killed during his adventures, but he may not walk away unscathed. By contrast, you'll notice that the most famous Superman arc of recent years was the one where he died, where he was actually vulnerable.

2) Unpredictability.

There's an inevitability in Superman stories. You know he'll somehow lose his powers or fight someone who's his equal, then he'll find a way to get his powers back or neutralize his enemy's power. Then he'll win.

In Batman stories, you're not quite sure what will happen. Sure, Batman will win most of the time. You don't know what will happen in the interim, or what the consequences of the victory will be. Speaking of which...

3) The untouchable characters are generally kept out of danger.

It goes like this: In every superhero saga, there are a few characters that are untouchable, that won't die no matter how bad things get. With Superman, those characters are Lois Lane, Perry White and Jimmy Olson. In Spider-Man's world, they're Aunt May and Mary Jane. (Villains are always untouchable, because they have to come back in another issue.)

The problem is that in those comics, those are the characters that usually end up in danger, being threatened by the villains somehow. That's boring. If Lois Lane is kidnapped, big deal? She'll be fine. If Mary Jane is threatened, who cares? No one is killing Aunt May.

In Batman's mythology, there are two untouchable characters: Alfred and Commissioner Gordon. Alfred stays out of the action. Gordon doesn't get kidnapped that often, but when he does (like in The Killing Joke) he's not threatened personally.

This is important. Since the people who are in harm's way can actually get killed, that raises the stakes. Heck, the second Robin even got killed by the Joker.

4) Ambiguity.

Superman will always do the right thing. He upholds truth, justice, and the American way, after all. He's never going to snap and beat someone half to death. He's never going to contemplate killing Lex Luthor. He's not that kind of character.

Batman is. He's considered just stone-cold dropping the Joker. He's beaten people pretty bad. He refuses to kill, but he's not above snapping some arms to get the information he needs.

5) Better villains.

Who is Lex Luthor? Depending on when you picked up Superman comics, he's either a mad scientist who leaves robots around to fight Superman, a billionaire who becomes president, or a business owner who's trying to rule the world. There's no solid definition of him, and the only two identifying traits of Luthor are "bald" and "evil."

The Joker is easily Batman's most iconic villain. He's a ruthless psychopath who loves to terrorize the city of Gotham, murders indiscriminately, and serves as the chaotic counterpoint to Batman's order.

Go down the line on Batman's villains, and they all have very sharply drawn characterizations. Two-Face? Ex-district attorney who's mind has fractured. The Riddler? A man who thinks he's the smartest man alive and wants to show that specifically to Batman. Mr. Freeze? A man who lost his wife to illness, wants to bring her back and will stop at nothing to do so.

While there are a few other villains in the comics world that are on par with some of Batman's villains, like Magneto, Batman has a far deeper stable to choose from, and all of them have rich histories and meaning.

6) He's relevant.

Superman raises lots of important questions but never answers them. Superman is a godlike figure who can hear everything and do almost anything. Yet, he sticks to Metropolis in general, protecting Lois Lane. What kind of god would do that to humanity? Bryan Singer hamfistedly tried to discuss it in Superman Returns, but had neither the willingness or the skill to do so. It's an issue that's never really talked about because it would distract from the whiz-bang golly-gee Superman spectacle.

This world doesn't want that. It wants someone who has to make hard decisions and do what he thinks is right even though sometimes he's wrong and just hope for the best.

Batman is hunted and disliked. He's Gotham's protector, but only because no one else has stood up to do it. When he's not needed, he'll stand aside, but for the time being he'll just keep on fighting what he can.

_________

There are other comic book heroes that are important and interesting, but very few that can hold a candle to Batman. All of these traits combine to make a hero that is interesting, tense, and intelligent.

So yeah, I have my tickets ready for The Dark Knight Rises. I'm sure you do too.

Review: Theatrhythm Final Fantasy

Developer: Square Enix
Publisher: Square Enix

I think we all rolled our eyes when Square Enix announced Theatrhythm Final Fantasy. This was for several reasons.

1. Music games seem to be on their way out.
2. A new Final Fantasy game should be an RPG, not some weird rhythm game.
3. That horrible, horrible name. 'Theatrhythm'? In what language does that even make sense?

Boy, were we wrong. Well, except for the name. That's still pretty stupid.

Theatrhythm: Final Fantasy is, at its core, a rhythm game using the music, characters and locations of Final Fantasy as the backdrop. It pays homage to Final Fantasies I all the way through XIII, but excludes the side games like X-2, XIII-2, Crisis Core and others.

Personally, I've only played a substantial amount of IV, VI and VII, although I've dabbled in every installment through X. I wouldn't call myself a huge Final Fantasy fan, although I like the series well enough. And yet, there are a few things that make Theatrhythm a lot of fun, even for a guy like me who's only spent a minimal amount of time in the series.

Let's veer off-topic for a bit. Remember the big Guitar Hero/Rock Band debate from last decade? No? Well, here's the gist: Guitar Hero was more popular, but Rock Band was the better series and ended up being the one with longer legs in the end. What made the difference? After the first two installments, Guitar Hero was handled by people who were merely making a game. They would have weird note blockings, like having the player press notes that didn't actually exist, just to make the song a little more difficult. Instead of making you follow the music, they had you fighting the music.

Rock Band and the first two installments of Guitar Hero were made by Harmonix, people who understood the music and didn't want to get in the way of it. They wouldn't focus so much on making the game difficult, just fun. You felt like an active participant, even though you were just pressing buttons on a plastic instrument.

All right, back on topic. Theatrhythm was made by people who understood the music and didn't want to get in the way of it. Even though you're just tapping and flicking your stylus, you feel like you're doing it along with the music instead of feeling like you're fighting against it. This is a huge deal and something that's very hard to nail down.

Theatrhythm is also helped by the RPG trappings surrounding it. Instead of just being presented with a score at the end of each song, which usually feels meaningless, you get more tangible benefits than that. Your characters gain XP, get items and become more powerful the more you play, which means that they can beat better bosses and get better items, which means they can beat better bosses and so forth. 

My main complaint with Theatrhythm is that there isn't much more beyond improving your characters. Sure, you can venture into the Chaos Tower, where much of the meat of the game is, and continue getting more tracks, beating bigger opponents and so on, but that's it. That's what holds Theatrhythm back from being a great game with a capital G. This game would be best served by being surrounded with a real RPG. Now that Square has worked with this concept, I'm assuming that's the next step for them, and I'd love to play that game.

Even still, I can say that while playing Theatrhythm, my heart ached to play some of the Final Fantasy series that I had merely glanced at in the past, and it especially made me want to race back to some of the ones I had already played through and enjoyed. If that was what Square Enix was aiming for, mission accomplished.

If you don't like Final Fantasy or have never played a Final Fantasy game, Theatrhythm is not for you. However, if you've played a few installments of the Final Fantasy series or are interested in playing them, pick this up and see if it whets your appetite for more. If you're a Final Fantasy fanatic? Get this game. Like, now.

Final Rating: B

NES Replay: 720

Developer: Atari
Publisher: Atari
Released: 1989
Wait, Is The Guy On The Title Screen Naked: Yes

In NES Replay, we go through each NES game from A-Z to see if they're any good. Today: 720.

720 is very boring. Here's a story based on it instead.

I awake in a barren hellscape. I am all alone, inexplicably attached to a skateboard.

Nothing is around me for miles, and yet I have a smile plastered to my face. Did I wish for this? Was this what I wanted all along? Only me and my skateboard know.

I roll forward and see a blue patch in front of me. Is that water? I fall into it accidentally. It must be. I stand next to the water and accidentally fall in again. Then again. Perhaps I need this water to feel alive. Perhaps I am just clumsy.

I skate around and see another survivor. She is horribly mutated, and periodically flings a frisbee to no one in particular. She does not acknowledge my presence. I would not expect her to. Ghosts do not speak to one another.

Those horrible, dead eyes.

After a fashion, strange letters appear above my head. I squint to read them and discover, to my alarm, that they say "Skate or Die." I realize, with a start, that while my soul may be dead, my body is very much alive.

I scramble around, desperately doing tricks in an attempt to stave off my imminent demise, when I see a horde of insects approach me. Suddenly, they knock me to the ground, and I see no more, nothing but the blackness of eternal sleep, and my consciousness ebbs beyond the veil of time.

I awake with a start, in the same place as before. I curse my rotten luck at having been trapped here. What was once a boon has become a curse, and the desolate streets begin to drain my very soul.

Again I meander throughout the city streets, only interrupted by cars driven by no one that speed past in a frenzy, going nowhere. Again, I am threatened to "Skate or Die," and again, I am killed.

Once again, I awaken, but my breath comes in quick rasps. Death becomes no easier when it happens frequently.

I finally find a gentleman who will speak to me, yet all he offers is a temporary respite from my plight. He allows me to roll down a long ramp. I take him up on the offer, and he gives me money at the conclusion of it. This must be the new economy of my world: Tricks for money. I smile at the irony that the world's oldest profession has so much in common with the newest one.

I find another location with a half-pipe, which I have no idea how to use, and another that has a slalom course that it difficult to control. I leave those locations, flush with cash, looking for a new challenge.

Suddenly, I am startled again by the ominous threat: Skate or Die. I scramble for an exit, a new location to ply my skills. I find a map that directs me to a new place of tricks and speed my way there.

I cannot find it.

I search high and low, my pulse quickening. There are no exits from this world, save the one created for me by the rampaging insects that will carry me to my doom.

In the distance, I spy them, bearing down on me. I have had a good run, and one less person in this world shall not make a difference. I raise my arms, breathe deeply and welcome my impending demise. Then, I see no more.

The sweet embrace of death.

Final Rating:

Next week: 8 Eyes

The Steam Summer Sale Is Live!

Fly, you fools!

NES Replay: 3-D World Runner

Developer: Square
Publisher: Acclaim
Released: 1987
Music: Like the baby from Eraserhead

In NES Replay, we go through each NES game from A-Z to see if they're any good. Today: 3D World Runner.

The Tale of 3D World Runner, or, a Play in Four Acts.

INT - HOME OFFICE - AFTERNOON

The young, dashing, virile REVIEWER sits at his desk. His computer is turned on and at the ready, while his WIFE sits in the other room on her iPad.

REVIEWER
All right, now it is time to try out 3D World Runner! It’s by Square, so it should be good!

Reviewer clicks a few icons on his computer and begins to play.

REVIEWER
Oh, look, these graphics are actually pretty neat! There are some columns blocking my path, so I had better not hit them! This music is also very bouncy and light! I shall have fun today!

END ACT 1

ACT 2

Reviewer looks flustered.

REVIEWER
Boy, this is more difficult than I thought! Why don’t I have a weapon? I am so tired that I shall run into a column.

A MUSHROOM pops out of the column.

REVIEWER
A mushroom! What luck! It looks so inviting, and I have been trained since birth to believe that mushrooms are good for video game characters, so I will pick it up!

Reviewer’s character dies after touching the mushroom.

REVIEWER
Well, that is unfortunate, and more than a little odd. This game is also quite repetitive and difficult to control, as well as boring. This music is still nice and fun, though.

END ACT 2

ACT 3

Reviewer is looking at his wife with an embarrassed look on his face.

WIFE
Will you please turn the sound down on that stupid game?

REVIEWER
That is indeed something I can do, for indeed I should like to claw my own ears out with a rusty screwdriver. I shall put it at a volume that it will not disturb you, but will only bother me.

WIFE
Why are you talking like that? You’re weird.

REVIEWER
Verily this is true! However, I have found the weapons in this game, and I am making great progress! I have fought a boss, and now I shall get to the next world, where surely the music in the game must change!

Reviewer gets to the next level.

END ACT 3

ACT 4

Reviewer is huddled under the desk while the music continues to play, mocking his very soul.

REVIEWER
All I see is blackness. Upon my eyes, a veil of tears has shrouded my vision, enveloping my soul and deepening the solitude of my heart. Woe to those who play 3D World Runner! Woe to the children, the elderly, the kind and pure-hearted who toiled away to procure such a foul cartridge of plastic and metal! Woe to-

WIFE
If you hate this game so much, why don’t you stop playing?

REVIEWER
Nay, I cannot do such a thing! For in the day of doing so, I am bound to have broken the sacred pact sworn by my fathers and my forefathers, and my forefathers’ fathers, and such will great tragedy enter into-

WIFE
Why did I marry you again?

REVIEWER
You have bad taste in men.

WIFE
Fair enough.

EXEUNT.

Final Grade:

Next week: 720.

Final Fantasy VII Coming Back To PC... With Achievements

Square Enix is re-releasing Final Fantasy VII for the PC, and including achievements and a "Character Booster", where you can pay cash-money for stat upgrades.

The achievements don't bother me at all. The Character Booster? A little. Not enough to stop me from buying it, though.

Sony Buys Gaikai

Over the weekend, Sony did something very interesting: They bought cloud-based gaming platform Gaikai for $380 million.

A few people are going nuts over this purchase. Imagine: Being able to stream a PS3 game to your mobile phone, or play on your tablet, or play games directly from your TV with no console! The possibilities are endless! It all sounds very exciting, but with a few caveats.

We've said it before, but people do still like physical media. You may point at surge in MP3s being a counter-point, or the emergence of companies like Steam as well. An MP3 or app is a very small purchase, as far as dollars go, so it's low-risk. I also shouldn't have to reiterate why Steam works and other services don't, but you can read that if you like.

Nothing exists in a vacuum, not even technology. Granted, people's opinions on physical media are shifting, but there's no solid evidence that a console-buying public will willingly shift to a streaming or cloud-based model or pure digital distribution. The most wide-scale test, the PSPGo, failed miserably, although there were some other reasons behind that. (Lest we forget, the PSPGo didn't exist in a vacuum either.)

So no one is going 100% digital anytime soon, which means that Sony is going to have to go to a hybrid physical/digital format. They've done something similar with the PS3 to some degree by allowing games to be sold both digitally and physically, but not nearly as much as a Gaikai acquisition would seem to entail.

Here's how it could shake out: Sony sells two PS4s. One is the typical home console, sold for $399 or whatever, that takes physical media, digital downloads and Gaikai. The other PS4 is just a set-top box for $99. It only does Gaikai, and it needs a $10 monthly subscription.

Would that be successful? You bet. Would Sony go that route? It's debatable. They might be more inclined to try and force people who want to play a streaming-only PS4 to buy a Bravia TV or other Sony product. You would be able to understand the justification for going that route, but you can't say that would be a better idea than a cheaper set-top box.

Otherwise, they could just insert Gaikai functionality into the PS3 as it stands right now. That would be an interesting selling point: "You already have the next generation of system right in your hands!" I can't see them doing that, though. Where's the monetization of Gaikai? Where's the excitement? If Microsoft puts out the XBox 720, and Nintendo has the Wii U, how will Sony convince people to still buy PS3s? It would be a tough sell.

Either way, it's a very intriguing acquisition, and one that we'll have to keep our eyes on.

NES Replay: 1943

Developer: Capcom
Publisher: Capcom
Released: 1988
Killing Your Ancestors: Yep

In NES Replay, we go through each NES game from A-Z to see if they're any good. Today: 1943.

It’s amazing what a difference two years makes in NES terms. Compare 1942, with its merely-okay graphics, weird music and repetitive levels, then play 1943, with its great graphics, excellent music and enormous bosses, and it’s fascinating to see how far games came in just two years.


If I were just to show you a gameplay video, you would assume that 1943 is just a prettied-up version of 1942, a shooter where you kill the ancestors of the developers in a recreation of their nation’s troubling past. However, that wouldn’t tell the whole tale. Right from the beginning you notice the difference when you find that you can upgrade your stats. Want to be stronger offensively? Upgrade it! Want to be stronger defensively? Go for it! Want to obliterate your opponents with stronger special moves? It's your choice! That little tweak makes a huge difference and makes 1943 feel more like a shooter-RPG hybrid than a straightforward "shoot-everything-that-moves" game.

1943 is a lot more varied too, though a lot more difficult. The first part of the level feels like vintage 1942, as you fly over islands and shoot down ships. In the second part of each level, you get closer to the large battleships and finally swoop in for an assault on the battleship proper. Don’t kill the ship on the first run? You have to go back through the second part of the level. You only have one life, though you can take multiple hits. If you die, you have to restart the entire level over. Good luck!

Don't mind me. I'll just hide over here for a while.

I’m also going to single out the tremendous music in this game. I found a track that should show you what I'm talking about:

See, that’s great stuff! I can get into that! I actually had to force myself to quit playing after my appointed 20-minute time limit, and I still feel like going back for more. 1943 is really, really great.

Final Rating:

Next Week: 3D World Runner