NES Replay: The Adventures of Tom Sawyer

Developer: Winkysoft
Publisher: Seta
Released: 1989
Wait: The developer's name is "Winkysoft?"
Oh man.

In NES Replay, we go through each NES game from A-Z to see if they're any good. Today: The Adventures of Tom Sawyer.

CHAD and STEVE sit down in PUBLISHER'S office. The PUBLISHER sits behind his large, mahogany desk, flicking hot cigar ash onto a MANSERVANT who winces with each flick of the PUBLISHER'S wrist.

CHAD

(exhausted)

OK, sir, we finished making The Addams Family: Puggsley's Scavenger Hunt like you promised. It was hard, but we managed to get it out the door.

STEVE

Now, if you'll just listen to our idea for a game-

PUBLISHER

So my kid brought home a book the other day.

(silence)

CHAD

What book did he-

PUBLISHER

Don't interrupt me! My oldest son brought home this Tom Sawyer book. He doesn't know how to read, though.

STEVE

I thought your son was twelve.

PUBLISHER

When you have money, you pay people to read for you. Anyway, this got me thinking: It doesn't cost nothing to use the Tom Sawyer name. It's... whaddyacallit... public domain or something. So why don't we just make any old game and slap the Tom Sawyer name on it!

CHAD

That seems a little... dishonest.

PUBLISHER

Nah, stupid kids don't know how to pick out games anyway. Anyway, my son took some peyote that he found in my desk drawer while looking at the cover of Tom Sawyer. He told me he saw a squid on top of the book and mice darting around the room. I want that in the game!

STEVE

What, squid and mice?

PUBLISHER

Yes!

CHAD

Have you ever read Tom Sawyer? There are no squid or mice anywhere in the book. Now, maybe we could have a whitewashing sequence...

STEVE

Yes! Where Tom convinces his friends to do the fence-

The PUBLISHER bangs his fist on the desk, making everyone in the room jump. The MANSERVANT whimpers.

PUBLISHER

Listen, you morons! I didn't ask for a creative idea! I want a game where you dodge mice and battle squid and call it "The Adventures of Tom Sawyer!" I don't care about your stupid "ideas!" Just make the game! Have it on my desk in the morning!

CHAD

That's insanity! You gave us three days for the last one!

PUBLISHER

Fine, take a week! Whatever! Now get out before I stop being so generous!

The PUBLISHER puts out his cigar on his MANSERVANT'S forehead, which makes a loud, smoldering hiss. A lone tear forms in the manservant's eye. CHAD and STEVE race out of the office while the PUBLISHER mutters to himself.

PUBLISHER

Making games would be so much easier if they just made themselves.

Final Rating:

Next week: After Burner

Review: Wario Land II

Developer: Nintendo
Publisher: Nintendo

Some games are only appreciated years after their release. Wario Land II is one of those games.

When Wario Land II came out, there was a lot of anger directed at it, and reviews were tepid. Why? In Wario Land II, Wario can't die. He can't drown, get impaled by spikes or fall down bottomless pits. The levels had no time limits. If he gets hit by an enemy, he just falls backwards a bit and loses some coins. There were no powerups or special moves that Wario would gain as the game went along either.

For a platformer, this was high heresy. Where would the challenge come from? I mean, if you have no death, doesn’t that mean that you don’t have to be careful? You could just barge into wherever you want and just bum-rush your way through the game artlessly without really playing it well, just stumbling from level to level like a drunken partygoer? With no powerups, what would keep people playing? How could anyone enjoy a game like this?

What we didn’t realize at the time is that Nintendo was completely rethinking platform games, and they realized that they could make a different kind of platform game that wasn’t like Mario. Mario games are all about precision, forward momentum and consistent movement. If you're standing around in a Mario game, you're playing it wrong.

In Wario Land II, the dynamic is a little different. Wario has to slow things down, examine his surroundings and continue forward. The challenge doesn't necessarily come with avoiding enemies and obstacles, but rather the exploration and secret nooks and crannies hidden throughout the game. Sure, you could power through artlessly and get to one of the endings, but you would literally miss half of the game.

Some of the methods of getting to the secret levels are downright devious, too. I won’t spoil anything, but one in particular has an inventiveness that is unequaled in any other Game Boy game and, frankly, a lot of console games too. It’s so headslappingly clever and obvious at the same time that you’ll wonder how you didn’t think of it.

Wario has also been loaded up with special moves, and there are also enemy attacks that will give Wario temporary abilities. Therefore, a lack of powerup mushrooms, or garlic, or whatever you would like to scatter throughout the game doesn’t really hurt Wario Land II. Some enemies will change Wario into a zombie, flatten him, or make him fat among other things. Using those special abilities, you can access different parts of the level, and it's a really interesting way to rethink powerups.

The only area of Wario Land II that needs improvement are the bosses. The bosses are unique and interesting, but when you lose a battle you get thrown backwards in the level a bit and have to make your way back to the boss. Some of the bosses are incredibly challenging, so you might find yourself trudging through the same area repeatedly just to get back to the same stupid boss fight where you’ll get beaten again and have to go through the same area again.

Aside from that, Wario Land II heralded a new generation of platformer that completely broke the rules of what platformers were “supposed” to be. We didn’t realize it at the time, of course, but we sure do now.

Final Rating: A-

NES Replay: The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle

Developer: Imagineering
Publisher: THQ
Released: 1992
Portal to Hell: Marked with Rocky's
deformed and pixellated face

In NES Replay, we go through each NES game from A-Z to see if they're any good. Today: The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle.

I must be in hell. That's really the only rational explanation.

Either I'm in hell, or I voluntarily offered to play every single NES game. Since I can't be that crazy, this must be hell.

I'm not sure how I ended up here. I mean, I've done some bad things in my life, that's for sure. When I was in second grade, I took the Lord's name in vain before I played a baseball game. I saw a picture of a naked lady once, so maybe that did it.

However, my hell appears to be different than a Catholic hell of eternal flame. Mine appears to be more of an existential one, where what I love is horribly subverted.

Either way, somehow I'm in a place where something I like, namely video games, has been twisted horribly to provide me with nothing but pain and anguish. Nowhere is this more apparent that in The Adventures of Rocky & Bullwinkle.

The key is RIGHT THERE, Bullwinkle.

I like the Rocky & Bullwinkle cartoons. I like video games. You would think that the combination would somehow make me happy. It doesn't. It's hard to say where this game goes wrong. Maybe it's because it's not funny. Maybe because it controls poorly. Maybe it's because it's boring.

I'll say this much, they got the graphics right for the main characters. I mean, Boris Badenov looks almost exactly like his cartoon counterpart. Everything else looks like garbage, but hey, at least they got one thing right out of the several hundred that they missed. Still, it's hard to be impressed by the scenery in hell while flames are devouring your flesh. At best, you can be momentarily distracted from the horrific pain sundering your soul in twain while you curse every vile thing you ever did. At worst, you don't even notice them while the hellhounds tear you from limb-to-limb, put you back together haphazardly and force you to crawl through shards of hot glass.

No, not there, THERE.

Rocky & Bullwinkle fails on several fundamental levels. For example, Bullwinkle needs to bend over to pick up keys from time to time. He'll reach down and completely not grab the key. Now, this isn't because I'm standing in the wrong place. I can be standing right on top of the key and Bullwinkle misses it. I can be standing to the left of the key and he misses it. I can be standing to the right and he misses it. I have to make Bullwinkle lean over repeatedly to try and get it, and then and only then will he pick up the key.

The controls are spongy and inexact. You can think you landed on the right platform, only to clip through it and plummet to your death. You'll think you avoided that bomb coming at you, only to get hit square in the nose.

The worst sin of Rocky & Bullwinkle, though, is that it's utterly, utterly bland. Bullwinkle cartoons are known for their anarchic and unpredictable sense of humor. This game, though, is series after series of slightly different locales where you're doing the same thing. A new area! Now jump through these obstacles with awful controls! Another new area! Now jump through these obstacles with awful controls! And so on.

Plus, the animation style of the Rocky & Bullwinkle cartoons, appears to have emboldened the developers to make everything butt-ugly. Look at these screenshots. LOOK AT THEM. You tell me if a lot of work went in to making those graphics. Sure, it looks kind of like the cartoons, but come on.

I'm not exactly sure where this all went wrong. It seems like the developers may have been aiming for a fun, goofy romp through Rocky & Bullwinkle's world, and just... whiffed. Maybe they've forgotten about this game, but I have been forced to live through it in order to bring my punishment to fruition.

I shall now sit quietly in a darkened corner, a lone tear falling from my eye, as I nurse a glass of whiskey. One word shall escape my lips, and only one: "Why?"

Final Rating:

Next Week: The Adventures of Tom Sawyer

Review: Paper Mario: Sticker Star

Developer: Intelligent Systems
Publisher: Nintendo

If anything, you have to admire Nintendo's audacity.

One of the questions that keeps RPG designers up at night is: "How can we make RPGs lest grind-y?" Nintendo asked that question themselves, and came up with the answer: "Get rid of a progression system that requires players to grind."

That's what Nintendo tried for Paper Mario: Sticker Star. In Sticker Star, you don't gain any experience points from battles, which means you don't level up. The only thing you earn from battles are coins, and you find stickers throughout the world to improve your stats. It's an interesting choice for an RPG. Was it successful? Not really.
In Paper Mario: Sticker Star, Mario fights his battles in a turn-based fashion. You find stickers around the world stuck to walls, floors, enemies and the like. You use those stickers for your attacks. In other words, in order to use a jump attack, you need to have a Jump sticker in your inventory. When you use the sticker, it's discarded.

That means that your only important resource in the entire game is stickers. Coins are spent on stickers and the usage thereof. You get stickers that can be used for special attacks, stickers for recovery, and stickers for regular attacks. Every time you get a sticker, it's placed in your book, which has a limited amount of space.

It sounds interesting, right? What could be wrong with that system? Well, think about it. Since you have a limited amount of space in which to store your stickers, you can only have a few stickers in your sticker book. In every battle, you're using at least two or three stickers, sometimes less, sometimes more.

Do you see the problem yet? If not, I'll spell it out: It makes more sense to avoid battles than to fight them. The more battles you fight, the fewer stickers you'll end up with. Don't have the right sticker to do a basic jump attack? Too bad! You're not using a jump attack! Fighting a tough enemy and need more stickers? Hope you didn't use your stickers on other fights!

You know what's crazy? In-game, there's a museum where you can "donate" stickers to complete the collection. Now why would I want to use the only resource I have in order to fill out a museum? What possible reward do I get? I'm sure there is one, but it's never adequately explained in-game.

Not only that, but you'll sometimes get special stickers that are good against certain bosses. If you don't have these stickers, you're in for a long battle of attrition against the boss. These stickers are huge, most of the time, so they take up a lot of space in your sticker book. You never know which sticker is going to work on the boss, so you have to keep a few different ones in your inventory. That takes up even more space and makes you afraid to use them, because what if you need them later? It's a wildly mismanaged system from top to bottom.

So what about a lack of a level progression system? Does removing the grind make Paper Mario: Sticker Star better than previous Paper Mario games?

There's something that's intrinsic to the appeal of an RPG. When your character is at level 1, you may have trouble beating up a low-level, cannon-fodder enemy. When your character is at level 30, you can go back and wipe the floor with them. They can't land a hit on you, and you can kill them in one shot. That feeling of growing power is key to the success of the RPG genre.

Paper Mario: Sticker Star doesn't give you that feeling. Right after you've completed the first world, the game gives you the chance to go to World 2 or World 3. I stepped into World 3, nervous that I was going to get killed right away. I didn't. I didn't need to be any stronger than I already was, because the enemies were the same in World 3 as in World 2.

So then the story is worth playing, right? After all, previous Paper Mario games had a great story, and the Mario & Luigi games always have fun stories too. What about Paper Mario: Sticker Star?

Yes, what about it? Miyamoto had them remove the story from Sticker Star, the same as he did with Super Mario Galaxy 2. Why? Because people who played Super Paper Mario didn't notice the story as much as they did the gameplay. Therefore, he viewed the story as unimportant.

So that means that in Sticker Star, Nintendo excised all the reasons that someone would play an RPG: Story, progression, everything. What did they leave behind? Inventory management. Wheeeee.

So are we playing Paper Mario: Sticker Star wrong? Maybe we're supposed to play it like a platformer and not an RPG, right?

That would make sense, except for these reasons:

1. The battles are turn-based.
2. There's a TON of inventory management.
3. It looks like an RPG and is marketed as one.
4. The levels aren't super-exciting to make up for the lack of RPG elements.

I do have to give Nintendo credit for trying something different. Yet, there are reasons that certain RPG tropes remain. The grind is there for a reason. The story is there for a reason. Removing them just creates a two-dimensional experience, much like a paper cutout of a beloved hero.

Final Rating: D

Read This: How The Worst Commissioner In Sports Broke The NHL

This is a great article Jonathan Mahler. I would like to like the NHL, but it's hard when the commissioner keeps shooting the league in the foot.

Windows 8 Observations

After spending some time with Windows 8, here are my observations:

1. Windows 7 applications are mostly completely compatible with Windows 8. I haven't run into one game, application or utility that I used on Windows 7 that hasn't worked in Windows 8. Compared to the messy transitions from Windows 98 to XP or from XP to Vista, that's really good work.
2. The Start Screen can be safely ignored, if you don't like it. I have all of my icons on my old Windows 7 desktop. They're still there, and they all open like normal. I'm sure there are some Windows 8 apps that will open on the Start Screen instead, but I haven't run into them yet.
3. Startup and shutdown are fast. Really, really fast. I'm very impressed.
4. The Charm Bar is mostly unneccesary. Since all the functions remain the same in Windows 8, the only thing I've used the Charm Bar for is shutting down my computer.
5. Windows 8 is, in some ways, more complicated than Windows 7. If you're on the Start Screen and want to look for the Control Panel, you could find a truncated Control Panel in the Charm Bar, but that doesn't reveal all the functions that are typicall in the Control Panel. Instead, you have to go to the Start Screen and start typing the words 'Control Panel.' Within a second, you'll have an icon for the old Control Panel. Most standard users aren't going to know that exists.
6. Losing the Start Menu structure is going to hurt more than it helps. The Start Menu in Windows 7 is nice and organized. All of your programs are tucked away safely in their respective folders. It's clean and easy to use.
   
   In Windows 8, the program list is a hot mess. Every single program is revealed in a giant list, and that includes weird utilities that sometimes come along with main programs, like level editors, help applications, and the like. It's a headache, and much easier to search for the program you're looking for.
7. It's not going to be good for the stereotypical user of Windows. I've found myself pulling my hair out from time to time trying to figure out how to do things, and I work with computers every day. How is your grandma going to figure it out?
   
   Even Apple, with the most successful tablet interface out there, doesn't use the same interface for their computers and their tablets. The PC interface is one thing, because it has specific requirements and ways that people use it. The tablet interface is another interface, because it has specific requirements and ways that people use it. Trying to pile them together pleases neither group.

So what's my final verdict? For the price that Microsoft is selling the upgrade for ($39.99 through the end of January, if I recall correctly) it's not bad. If the price is much higher than that? Skip it and wait to see if Microsoft fixes their mistakes in Windows 9.

NES Replay: The Adventures of Rad Gravity

Developer: Interplay
Publisher: Activision
Released: 1990
Since This Game Is Lazy: I will be too
and not capitalize this

In NES Replay, we go through each NES game from A-Z to see if they're any good. Today: The Adventures of Rad Gravity.

I have a friend who's a woodworker. He learned the trade from his father, and one of the lessons he learned from his father was the phrase, "Finish the back." In other words, it doesn't matter if the part you're working on is going to be seen during normal use or not, you still have to treat it like it's going to be visible.

When we talk about games that are "polished," that's what most of us are generally referring to: Games that follow the mantra of "finish the back." It doesn't matter that only a few people are going to notice that the arrow that you use to select menu options pulses with the background music. It doesn't matter that only a few people are going to reach a super-secret special room. Finish the back. Make sure every corner of your game counts.

Some games are very highly polished, so much so that they sparkle. I'm thinking about games like Super Mario World, Super Metroid, Chrono Trigger and others. Some, on the other hand, aren't, which doesn't necessarily have to doom them. One of my favorite games is Dark Cloud for the Playstation 2, and it's one of the least polished games I've ever enjoyed (not to mention really, really weird). Sometimes there's a bit of a ramshackle charm to some less-polished games that gets lost once you start applying a gentle sheen to it.

EXCITING

However, The Adventures of Rad Gravity is a game that's sloppy in a bad way, and for a game that appears to want to be a big, fun game, that's a problem. Here are some quick examples:

Just like every other any game, there are barriers that you have to jump over, usually in the form of solid blocks. You're not supposed to be able to walk through them, just like every other game ever. However, some of them you can move through by jumping at them instead of trying to walk through. Some of them you don't even need to jump through to walk through them. This doesn't appear to be on purpose.

Look at the screenshot to your right. Tell me what blocks are supposed to be solid blocks and what is supposed to be part of the scenery. For example, my character is standing on a block that doesn't appear to have a solid line across the top. The next block over looks different. There is no difference between the two blocks. For that matter, look at all those different blocks in the background as well. It's ugly and serves no purpose, while being headache-inducing and bland. This isn't level design, it's level diarrhea.

Here's another one, and it's going to sound like nitpicking. There are areas where you can press up or down and go from level to level. They behave exactly like a ladder or a vine in any other game. When you climb on them, to reflect that you're going up and down. There's no little elevator below you, nothing other than your  character hovering in mid-air stupidly.

Like I said, this sounds nitpicky, but this has a point. It comes down to this: Finish the back. They honestly couldn't change his sprite to indicate he's standing on some sort of ladder? If it's supposed to be a "gravity ladder" or something, why not change his sprite so that his hair stands up a bit and he looks like he's floating? Mega Man games did this in 1987, why can't Rad Gravity three years later?

Not only that, but this game has the worst music in the history of ever. It's so bad that I thought that my emulator was broken. I ran it in a different emulator, and no, it's really this bad. Take a listen to the title screen.

With an extra pass through the level design, the graphics or really anything at all related to this game, this could have been a fun space adventure. Instead, The Adventures of Rad Gravity just looks, plays and feels lazy.

Final Rating:

Next Week: The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle

Got A Wii U Today

I got the Wii U Deluxe edition with New Super Mario Bros. Wii U. Yes, I'm weak. So sue me.

NES Replay: Adventures of Lolo 3

Developer: HAL Laboratory
Publisher: HAL Laboratory
Released: 1991
A Different Title Screen: It Has It

In NES Replay, we go through each NES game from A-Z to see if they're any good. Today: Adventures of Lolo 3.

I'm running out of things to say about Adventures of Lolo.

That's not because these games are bad. Not at all. They're a lot of fun, each and every one of them. It's just that they all have the same mechanics, with very little deviation. I could show you three separate screenshots of Lolo games, and you would be hard-pressed to figure out which one belongs to which game.

However, that doesn't stop me from declaring Adventures of Lolo 3 as the best Lolo game of the bunch for two simple reason: It eschews the "lives" system and introduces an overworld.

The Lolo series is all about planning, experimentation and trial-and-error. Since previous games only gave you five lives to play with, you had to be a lot more cautious, which means you're experimenting less and having less fun. It also makes things exponentially more frustrating.

Since Lolo 3 removes the lives system entirely, you now can play with more trial-and-error and testing out new ideas. Lolo 3 is still difficult like the first two games, but in a much less frustrating way, and it all comes down to them removing the "five lives and you're dead" system.

I know for a fact that this screenshot is from
Lolo 3. You can tell by the pixels.

The overworld is also a seemingly minor addition, but it also adds a feeling of progression. You're not just solving puzzles in one endless tower, but a succession of smaller towers. It's a tiny little change, but it's significant. You feel like you're moving forward to some degree and it actually makes Lolo 3 a lot more fun.

If you're at all interested in playing this series, I would say that Adventures of Lolo 3 is the place to start. It's fun and fair without being frustrating. It's just as mind-bending as the previous entries, and if you like it, you'll have fun solving more puzzles in the other Lolo games.

I'd like to talk about one more thing, if you'll permit me. Lolo used to be HAL Laboratory's mascot before Kirby waltzed on to the scene. Lolo and his female companion even make an thinly-veiled appearance in a few Kirby games as enemies as well.

So who owns the Lolo series now? HAL is a wholly owned subsidary of Nintendo, as far as I know. Did HAL Laboratory's IP go with them? Does Nintendo own Lolo? If they do, why the heck haven't they revived this series? I mean, wouldn't a revived Lolo game be perfect for the eShop? Get on it, Nintendo!

Either way, if you like puzzlers, the Lolo series is a ton of fun, and Adventures of Lolo 3 is a standout.

Final Rating:

The Adventures of Lolo Series Rating:

1. Adventures of Lolo 3
2. Adventures of Lolo
3. Adventures of Lolo 2
4. Practically any other game with "Adventures of" in the title

Next Week: The Adventures of Rad Gravity

NES Replay: Adventures of Lolo 2

Developer: HAL Laboratory
Publisher: HAL Laboratory
Released: 1990
These games are so similar: I'm not even sure I'm
using the right screenshots

In NES Replay, we go through each NES game from A-Z to see if they're any good. Today: Adventures of Lolo 2.

What do we really want in a game's sequel? Do we want a sequel that's entirely different from the original? Do we want some incremental improvements, where we see the developers to use the basic building blocks of the previous game in new and unexpected ways, or do we want more of them same?

My tremendously wishy-washy answer to this question is: Depends.

For example, I have an irrational love for Super Mario Bros. 2. It played entirely different from the the first Mario game, and for that reason some people hated it. That's the reason I loved it. Your mileage may vary. Super Mario Bros. 2 is a good example of a sequel-in-name-only, a game that's entirely different than the original and just happens to be numbered sequentially.

Super Mario Bros. 3, on the other hand, took the original game and just exploded it. It was definitely based on Super Mario Bros, but it used the basic building blocks to great effect. They expected you to understand the basic principles of the first game, and then exploited them or changed them, which forced you to rethink what you thought you knew about Mario games.

I'm pretty sure this is Adventures of Lolo 2.
Some nitpicker will point it out, I'm sure.

The Japanese Super Mario Bros. 2 (otherwise known as The Lost Levels), on the other hand, was "more of the same." It used the same sprites, threw in one or two extras, and made the levels harder. Some people love it. Some people don't.

Adventures of Lolo 2, is cut from the "more of the same" mold. It's same basic game as Adventures of Lolo, using the same sprites. It even uses the same title screen with "2" overlaid on it. It's just a heck of a lot harder. How much you'll like Lolo 2 depends on how much you liked the first one. If you thought the first one was great, you could view this one like an expansion pack.

The difference being, though, that Adventures of Lolo 2 is much harder than the original. There are a few introductory puzzles to get you started, but Lolo 2 steps things up quickly, much quicker than the first one. Some puzzle solutions are almost a little unfair, as they expect you to know moves that supposedly aren't in the instruction manual or aren't explicitly stated. That means that if you've played the first Lolo, you'll find a little more to like in this one. If you haven't, it's suggested to steer clear.

I was always a fan of sequels being more iterative: Stripping away what didn't work in the first game in favor of new additions that will play better. Adventures of Lolo 2 doesn't do that. It's a rehash of the first game with more difficulty, and that's OK for some people. For me, I'm ambivalent.

Final Rating:

Next Week: Adventures of Lolo 3

NES Replay: Adventures of Lolo

Developer: HAL Laboratory
Publisher: HAL America
Released: 1989
A Joke About Lolo Jones: I can't be bothered

In NES Replay, we go through each NES game from A-Z to see if they're any good. Today: The Adventures of Lolo.

When we say a game "holds up," what do we mean? It's one of those phrases that everyone uses but we never really think about.

Here's how I view it, and you can correct me if I'm wrong: When something "holds up," it means that you don't have to throw a pile of qualifiers in front of it to people who haven't seen it before and have no context. For example:

"OK, here's Wolfenstein 3-D. Now, before you start playing, remember, this was one of the earliest first-person shooters, and sound cards weren't that great either, and secret areas were par for the course, and they still hadn't figured out how to enable you to look up yet, and the controls are a little wonky. OK, have fun!"

Now, no one denies that Wolfenstein 3-D wasn't fun or influential, but it's been superseded and rendered, basically, obsolete (although "Mein leben!" is still one of the all-time greatest death screams, and I don't care what you say).

So what does this have to do with Adventures of Lolo? Well, some games hold up better than others. The more simple the concept, the better it holds up in the long-term. Adventures of Lolo takes a really simple concept and just goes nuts with it, and it makes it a really, really good game. I don't have to sit here and throw a bunch of historical context, qualifying what time it came out and asking you to overlook its flaws in order for you to enjoy it. If you play it, you'll fall in love right away.

The concept of Lolo is: On each stage, get the little heart containers in order to open a treasure chest, then get to the treasure chest. Each of these stages requires planning and experimentation, along with some trial-and-error, in order to complete them. Some of the levels are downright diabolical and will force your brain to leak out of your ears. In some levels, you'll think you have them figured out entirely and then realize there was one little detail that you neglected, and now you're trapped and have to try again.

Don't think that Lolo is a punishing game, though. The learning curve is impressive, as they encourage you to learn new skills and then apply them in the next level, all without a tutorial. That's some fine work.

The only complaint I have about Lolo is that it still hangs on to its arcade roots by providing a strict "five lives and game over" system, which leads to less experimentation than a game like this should have. Maybe a future entry will resolve this? Stay tuned.

Final Rating:

Next Week: Adventures of Lolo II

NES Replay: Adventures of Gilligan's Island

Developer: Human Entertainment
Publisher: Bandai
Released: 1990
Is It Just Me: Or Does "Human Entertainment"
Sound Kind of Sinister

In NES Replay, we go through each NES game from A-Z to see if they're any good. Today: Adventures Of Gilligan's Island.

When I was a kid, I thought that the TV show Gilligan's Island was hilarious. I think it's already been established that I had bad taste when I was kid, but just in case there was any doubt, that should seal the deal.

Sadly, I wasn't alone in this. Gilligan's Island was really, really popular for a few years and was on syndication forever. Just writing this article has put the stupid theme song in my head, and if I write down the words, "a THREE HOUR tour", it'll be in yours too.

When Gilligan's Island was on the air, intelligent people viewed it like the death of society. After all, if a stupid show where the same thing happens every episode could be so popular, what chance did civilization have? Best for civilization as a whole to just turn off the lights and go home, frankly.

However, just because Gilligan's Island was an awful TV show doesn't mean it couldn't work somewhere else. The story of seven castaways who are trapped on a island could be fodder for a fun, silly game. I mean, really think about the show. There's barely any conflict, lots of silly machines and plotlines, and Gilligan always finds a way to screw things up. Doesn't Gilligan's Island seem like it would make for a great point-and-click adventure game in the vein of a Monkey Island?

Like, let's say that the Professor comes up with an idea to make a coconut radio to broadcast a distress signal. The Skipper and Gilligan need to go get the coconuts and end up falling into a pit and have to come up with a solution to get out that revolves around flinging Gilligan against a wall. Then they get the coconuts and bring them back to the professor, who has to rig up a machine using the coconuts and wires made out of palm fronds.

In other words, make a new Gilligan's Island
game ANYTHING OTHER THAN THIS.
Thx - MGMT

Then, when the signal goes out, they have to build a signal fire. Mary Ann and Ginger head off to do that while Gilligan goes to collect wood. He ends up being kidnapped by birds or something, and the Skipper has to go rescue him.

The fire is built, and they just have to wait for help. Gilligan is told to wait by the fire and keep it lit. If you do nothing, the fire goes out and everyone comes just this close to murdering him. If you put wood on the fire, it creates a raincloud above the mountain that starts a rainstorm and puts out the signal fire while also destroying the radio, and everyone comes just this close to murdering Gilligan again. With a little bit of self-awareness, it would be surprisingly fun to play.

I mean, imagine if a company like Telltale Games got the opportunity to make a Gilligan's Island game. That would be the perfect fit. Their graphical style would mesh almost perfectly with the already-cartoonish show, and their episodic skill would work well with it too.

Oh, I suppose I have to review this game, not some nebulous game that I just made up in my head. Anyway, The Adventures of Gilligan's Island for the NES sucks. The controls suck, the music sucks, the lame attempts at humor suck, and why is the Skipper punching gorillas now? There's a time limit running in the background too, if all of that wasn't enough. Gilligan falls down wells and you have to rescue him all the time. It's just bad and I hate it.

Either way, it doesn't pay to get all nostalgic about something like Gilligan's Island. It was really lame and kind of dumb. Making a game based on it in the NES years was the definition of "cynical cash-in" and I hope the developers are all ashamed of themselves.

Final Rating:

Next Week: The Adventures of Lolo

Review: The Legend of Zelda: Link's Awakening DX

Developer: Nintendo
Publisher: Nintendo

Most games in the Legend of Zelda series follow a similar pattern: You're Link, you rescue Zelda, beat Ganon, and somehow the Triforce is involved. It's a pretty basic setup.

And yet, every once in a while, the series goes gloriously off the rails. Link's Awakening is one of those games. It's a weird, weird game, but a great entry in the series.

In Link's Awakening, you're Link, waking up on Koholint Island after a shipwreck. You can't leave the island unless you wake up something called the Wind Fish, and to do so you have to find eight musical instruments. There's no Zelda, no Ganon, no Triforce, a visit from a guy who looks like Mario, another one who looks like Wart, an enemy that looks like Kirby, and even Goombas and Piranha Plants in brief side-scrolling stages.

Obviously, Link's Awakening was a little different than other games in the series, but there was also another big reason: It marked the first time there were so many named NPCs running around Link's world. In Zelda II, there were lots of people running around in the cities, but only a few of them had names. In Link to the Past, there was a small town, but the people there were more window dressing than anything else.

In Link's Awakening, there are two towns, and each one has people with specific personalities. There's a fashion-loving Chain Chomp, a shy old man who only talks on the phone, a girl named Tarin who likes you, a man named Mr. Write who has a penpal on the other side of the island, and all sorts of other characters running around. That imbues the game with a lot more personality, which makes the final denouement that much more powerful.

The only flaw with Link's Awakening is that there are a few pieces of text that repeat themselves constantly. For example, whenever you walk up to a rock without the Power Bracelet equipped, you get a notice that "This rock looks too heavy to lift with your bare hands!" Every time you get a key, you get a notice that "This is a Small Key! You can use it to open a locked door in this dungeon!" The worst offender is the compass, which gives you screen after screen of text every single time you pick it up.

You also will have to switch out weapons frequently, which means you'll have to go to the pause menu, look at your weapons, switch them out, and then go back to the screen. It's not the end of the world, but considering how frequently you'll have to switch out weapons by the end of the game, it is a little annoying.

Link's Awakening is still great, and the Virtual Console version includes an extra dungeon and a person who takes pictures of Link during his adventures. It's a lot of fun and it's inexpensive. There's also a dungeon where you collapse one floor on top of another. That should convince you.

Final Rating: A

NES Replay: The Adventures of Dino Riki

Developer: Hudson Soft
Publisher: Hudson Soft
Released: 1989
Possible Slogan: Bite The Curb

In NES Replay, we go through each NES game from A-Z to see if they're any good. Today: The Adventures of Dino Riki.

I want to make something clear: I'm not automatically against hard games on principle.

Some may get that impression from the way I talk about them, but I'm not. I like a little bit of challenge in a game as long as the game is fair.

For example, I'm playing Torchlight II on a higher difficulty than normal. It's going really poorly, but I can tell what I did wrong. I can clearly see that if I restart the game over, I'll do much better on the next playthrough. It's fair.

I would like to think that most people feel the same way about games. Sure, we like a game to push us around a little, but we don't like it when it pushes us to the ground and kicks our ribs while we weep uncontrollably. Even games known for their tremendous difficulty like Dark Souls or DayZ are fair, to a degree.

When a game goes out of its way to absolutely pummel you into the ground no matter what you do, that's no fun. When a game appears to be a normal, happy fun time game and then proceeds to kick you in the teeth repeatedly, that's double plus unfun.

The Adventures of Dino Riki is one of those kind of games. Oh, it starts innocently enough, looking like a top-down shooter with a cute little caveman. Within mere seconds of starting the very first level, though, you're surrounded by enemies and die.

Look, I'm not even exagerrating. Here's a video if you don't believe me. This video was recorded after TONS of practice, and it's as far as I can get without dying.

Your character moves so slowly that you can't really evade these attacks either. I don't know how they assumed that anyone was supposed to be able to beat one level, let alone the game. It was like the designers put together a flow chart on how they wanted the game to play and all they came up with was:

The really odd part is that The Adventures of Dino Riki seems like a relatively polished game in all other aspects. If it wasn't so incredibly and pointlessly difficult this would be a unique and fun experience. I mean, a caveman shooter? That sounds like a blast! As it is, there's not so much a difficulty curve as there is a difficulty brick wall, and embedded in that wall are rusty plague needles and infected shards of hot glass.

It's way too hard to recommend to anyone, but if you happen to be a gaming masochist, go nuts.

Final Rating:

Next Week: Adventures of Gilligan's Island

Why Is There No Pokemon MMO?

Pokemon is a very popular series, but most people will admit that it definitely needs a refresh of some sort to keep it going on into the future. The most prominent idea floated around is that Nintendo needs to make some sort of Pokemon MMO (massively multiplayer online game).

In fact, most people who follow gaming closely will express bewilderment that Nintendo hasn't already done so. After all, it's an idea that’s just out there, waiting for the picking. People are clamoring for it. It's the next logical step. Why has Nintendo done nothing about it? What's wrong with them? They don't like money, or what?

There's one major reason that Nintendo hasn't made a game like that, and it actually gives us some hope for a future Pokemon MMO.

Anyone who plays MMOs knows that before your game starts, it checks major files with the server and patches the game. This is a constant process on the part of the developer because there are always new exploits and hacks that damage the game and make it unstable for other players. An unpatchable MMO would be anarchy, a lawless wasteland that would leave players disenfranchised and the MMO makers completely vulnerable to attacks.

Maple Story was a popular MMO, and they made a version for the DS. However, it was entirely single-player with very few multiplayer features. How come? There was a huge problem: The DS didn't have the capability of upgrading firmware, much less installing patches into games. That made it a prime target for hackers, who were able to run almost any DS ROM off of a flashcart and very nearly kill third-party support for the DS. Imagine what that sort of environment would have done to a Pokemon MMO.

The Wii had the capability of upgrading the firmware, but not to install patches. That led to major problems. For example, Metroid: Other M had a show-stopping bug that could trap players in one room, and the only way to fix it was to send your save file in an SD card to Nintendo for them to fix it and send it back. GoldenEye for the Wii had persistent multiplayer that quickly got hacked. Imagine what sort of environment that would have been for a Pokemon MMO.

The good news is that the 3DS accepts patches. They've already tested this with Mario Kart 7 by closing off an exploit in one of the races. If I was a conspiracy theorist, I would guess that Nintendo purposely left the exploit in until after launch so they could test out the patching system.

Either way, that’s a good sign. Now that Nintendo has games out there that accept patches and can stay abreast of the crazy things that hackers are going to try to do, there’s a really good chance that they’ll bring a Pokemon MMO to fruition, either on the 3DS or the Wii U. At the very least, we have more hope now than in the past.

NES Replay: The Adventures of Bayou Billy

Developer: Konami
Publisher: Konami
Released: 1989
Raped: You Gon' Get It

In NES Replay, we go through each NES game from A-Z to see if they're any good. Today: The Adventures of Bayou Billy.

Our tastes change quite a bit from childhood to adulthood. When I was a kid, for example, I loved the Ernest movies. I watched and rewatched Ernest Goes to Camp and Ernest Goes to Jail and could practically recite them from memory. I look back and cringe because I can't believe what bad taste I had.

Likewise, the cover of The Adventures of Bayou Billy looked so cool to me when I was a kid. He looked like the ultimate guy you don't want to mess with, and I wanted to play Bayou Billy so badly. Now, I look at the cover and see a creepy-looking guy who's probably a child molester. Funny how we notice different things as we grow up.

So, twenty years later, I finally got to play Bayou Billy. I'd love to tell you that it's a lost classic and you don't know what you're missing, but if I told you that I would be lying through my teeth.

Bayou Billy has three different types of levels: Side-scrolling beat-em-up levels where you can barely hit your opponents and have to punch them practically eighty times before they die, shooting levels where you have a very small amount of bullets and frequently get shot by people you didn't see coming, and a driving level that I never got to because I so disgusted by the first two types of levels.

YOU GON' GET RAPED

First, the beat-em-up levels. You have to line up with your constantly-moving opponents practically to the pixel, then try and throw a punch at them. If you hit them, they'll hit you right back. They don't get stunned for a moment like they should, and they all appear to have just as much health as you do. What should be a Bayou Billy beatdown turns into a grade-school slapfight, with Bayou Billy on the ground puking on the basketball court and crying.

The shooting stages are a little better, but on some of the bosses, the enemies will appear on screen and shoot you immediately. I mean immediately. You don't even have time to shoot them first because they land and immediately start filling you full of holes.

Here's the crazy thing: Most of the time, developers would make the Japanese version of a game harder and the American version easier. Not so here. Apparently, the Japanese version of this game is easier. They cranked up the enemies' hit points just for us in the little old US of A. I don't know why Japan hates us so much.

The Adventures of Bayou Billy is awful. The boxart has a serious case of rapeface, and even the FAQ on GameFAQs admits that Bayou Billy is a piece of garbage. You tell me what I should rate this game.

Final Rating:

Next Week: Adventures of Dino Riki

Review: Kid Icarus: Of Myths and Monsters

Publisher: Nintendo
Developer: Nintendo

The original Kid Icarus for the NES gets a lot more credit than it deserves. It was made at the same time as Metroid, so people remember it as being better than it actually was. Kid Icarus was frustratingly hard, and one mistimed jump could destroy all your progress.

It's funny: During the making of Super Smash Bros. Brawl, they included a few music tracks from Kid Icarus. The two main tracks that they used were the only two that people remembered: the music from the opening level and the music you hear when you disturb a Reaper, also something you hear on the first level. That's kind of telling, isn't it?
Kid Icarus: Of Myths and Monsters for the Game Boy is a far, far superior game to the original Kid Icarus. There are fewer enemies than the NES version, so you don't get mobbed like you do in the NES game. There's also no insta-death, meaning that a mistimed or misplaced jump won't instantly erase all the progress you've made in a level.

There are tons of secrets to find, too. If you collect hammers you can  destroy statues that give you health or bang open entrances to new secret rooms by destroying blocks. Some secret rooms have health-regenerating springs, while others may give you a place to use your hearts (Kid Icarus' currency) to buy new items.

I have only a few complaints with Kid Icarus: Of Myths and Monsters. First of all, it's a little grind-tastic. If you speed through the levels without killing anything, you won't get any of the special bonuses, like stronger arrows or increased health. You also won't have enough hearts to buy any of the good equipment. If you want to get the good stuff, you'll have to sit in the middle of a level for a while to kill enemies. It artificially pads the length of the game, but if you grind away at an enemy type for about five minutes, you're usually fine.

The collision detection can be a little imprecise, but it errs on the side of caution. There will be times where your sprite will pass through a platform you're jumping at, only to find yourself standing on it a split second later. There will also be some times where you'll think you've been hit by something, but the game doesn't register the hit or the damage. At least it's not the other way around.

Finally, the final boss is incredibly difficult. I'm sure there's a pattern he follows, but every time I fight him, the pattern is, "Please don't kill me, oh, great, you killed me." One of these days I'll have to read an FAQ about it.

If you have a 3DS and a passing interest in Kid Icarus games, Kid Icarus: Of Myths and Monsters is well worth your time. It's not the best game in the world, but it's a definite improvement over the original Kid Icarus and a lot of fun.

Final Rating: B

Review: Donkey Kong

Developer: Nintendo
Publisher: Nintendo

Donkey Kong is one of those games that everyone has played at some point. You play as Mario as you climb to the top of a structure, Donkey Kong gets mad, carries away your girlfriend, you chase him to the next structure, get to the top of it, and so on. It's fun for about five minutes, and then you start wondering what else you can play.

You may be excused if you think that the Game Boy version of Donkey Kong (often colloquially referred to as "Donkey Kong '94") is the same thing. After all, it starts out looking almost exactly like the original with some slightly fancier graphics. Is it just a cheap cash-in?

Oh, Lord no.
Finish the first four levels, and Donkey Kong '94 opens wide to show you what it's really all about. In each of the new levels, your goal is to pick up a key and get it to a door. It's a heck of a lot harder than it sounds, and you'll need your wits about you to pull off some of the more devious levels.

Donkey Kong '94 is very long, with almost 100 levels and hours worth of playtime. There are surprises and special moves galore. The difficulty curve ramps up nicely and extra lives are abundant. You'll need almost all of those extra lives in some of the later levels, I can tell you that.

The music is also some of the best of the Game Boy era. There are some really atmospheric tracks, and I won't spoil them in this review. Just suffice to say that in some levels, I found myself finding a safe place where I could just listen to the music for a bit. Here's a sample:

Donkey Kong '94 is one of the best values in the 3DS Virtual Console. It's one of the lost classics of the Game Boy era, a game that's really never gotten its due because of the system it was released on. Play it and see why it's so great. I'm sure you'll agree with me.

Final Rating: A+

NES Replay: Adventures In The Magic Kingdom

Developer: Capcom
Publisher: Capcom
Released: 1990
Disney: What Is Your Problem Anyway

In NES Replay, we go through each NES game from A-Z to see if they're any good. Today: Adventures In The Magic Kingdom.

Developers, take note: If you decide to make a game for kids, make the game for kids.

Adventures in the Magic Kingdom is either made for kids or incredibly creepy adults who sleep in Mickey Mouse pajamas, one or the other. Since I can only assume that "creepy adults" is not a prized segment of Disney's marketing department, we'll go ahead and assume the game is made for kids.

You may think that I'm saying that there's objectionable content in this game, but there isn't. It's just really, really hard. Laughably hard.

You want an example? All right. In order to reach the final area of the game, you have to answer a series of  trivia questions. These are not normal questions. Here's a small sampling of some of the more ridiculous ones.

ANSWER ME

Now, some have accused me of having a weird, encyclopedic memory. I can tell you that Harry S Truman's favorite food was Ozark Pudding. I can tell you that Joe McCarthy was the manager of the Yankees in the 30's and 40's, and then he jumped ship for the Red Sox. I can tell you that James Dean only starred in three movies, "Rebel Without A Cause," "Giant" and "East of Eden." I didn't have to look up any of that information, it was just sort of there.

This is to say that I'm a bit of a trivia master, and I couldn't tell you the answers to any of these questions. Maybe an adult who was alive around the time that Mickey Mouse was created or "Spin and Marty" was still on the air could tell you the answer, but why would they be playing this game?

The levels are ridiculously difficult as well. In one side-scrolling level, you have no weapons and frequently get mobbed by pirates. You can't fight back, you just have to run from them. In another side-scrolling level, you navigate a haunted house with a limited amount of weapons. Wouldn't it have made sense to have the weapons available against the pirates, and make you run away from the ghosts? Whatever. The only remotely fun level is the haunted house, and that's only because you have a fighting chance.

In another level, you have to fly a spaceship through an endless parade of dots that are supposed to represent stars. Mickey will tell you what buttons to press and when in order not to "hit" anything in space. If you don't press that button RIGHT NOW you'll take damage, and the level just keeps going faster and faster. I have experience playing games like that and couldn't finish that level.

And finally, in another level, you're supposed to race against opponents on go-karts. You'll frequently get attacked by your opponents. I do mean, "attacked." They will attempt to ram you off the road on purpose, and won't stop until you're dead.

OK, so you tell me, is this game for kids? Would a child gladly pick up this game and enjoy it, or would they say that it sucks and quit? I would tell you what I did, but I think you can figure that out by now.

Final Rating:

Next Week: The Adventures of Bayou Billy

Using Windows 8 Now

So Microsoft finally decided to take my money and I'm using Windows 8 now. It's... a lot like Windows 7. Just 8-ier.

I'd Like To Make The Windows 8 Leap

I'd like to make the Windows 8 leap, but apparently Microsoft doesn't want my money. Their payment processing is down, so that's cool.

Making The Windows 8 Leap

I'm upgrading to Windows 8. Wish me luck, and we'll see you on the other side.

NES Replay: Adventure Island III

Developer: Hudson
Publisher: Hudson
Released: 1992
Disappointment Level: High

In NES Replay, we go through each NES game from A-Z to see if they're any good. Today: Adventure Island III.

There are a few things in life that are absolutely horrible. Jumping off a roof and landing on a bicycle with no seat? Horrible. Tripping and faceplanting in a pile of dog poop? Horrible. Biting into an apple and seeing half a worm inside? Horrible.

You know what else is absolutely horrible? Playing a game that you remember being awesome and finding it to be bad. That's horrible.

Adventure Island III was one of those game that I remembered being awesome. Sure, the music and the graphics were taken wholesale from Adventure Island II, but I loved Adventure Island II! What's wrong with more Adventure Island II?

However, Adventure Island III barely throws anything new into the mix. There's a new dinosaur that rolls into a ball, but he's hard to control and gets you killed more often than not. The bosses are impossibly hard. I cheated like crazy and still ended up dying thirty times to the very first boss.

BLAND BLAND BLAND
BLAND BLAND BLAND

You get a boomerang as a new weapon, but it's completely useless since you can only throw one at a time and it doesn't return in a clean, predictable trajectory. The new music is nowhere near as catchy as the recycled stuff, and the new levels don't look nearly as good as the recycled ones either.

I'm going to get on my high horse for just a moment, so I hope you'll indulge me. When a company pumps out sequel after sequel to a game, there are bound to be recycled assets involved, but what's worse than the recycled assets are the recycled ideas. You simply can't pump out game after game and expect the good ideas to keep on flowing. Sega discovered this with Sonic, Neversoft discovered it with Tony Hawk, and Activision is discovering it with all the franchises they're currently running into the ground.

That feels like what happened with Adventure Island III. Instead of coming up with new ideas, they just made what amounted to a glorified expansion pack for the second game, but made it crappier. Ah well. At least we still have Adventure Island II.

Final Rating:

Adventure Island Series Rating:

1. Adventure Island II
2. The kiss from a unicorn upon my brow, awaking me from slumber to a wonderful fairy-tale land of delights
3. Adventure Island
4. Adventure Island III

Next week: Adventures In The Magic Kingdom