Is This Sad?

Is it sad when you own a computer for three months, and are already wishing you could replace it?

Now, it would be downright infuriating if it was due to a technical problem. I would probably have marched over to the company, dropped it on their doorstep, and screamed bloody murder until they replaced it. Or at least this is what I would have done if I were Bizarro Lee and actually enjoyed confrontations or asserting myself.

No, this is for something much more insidious. I WANT A FASTER COMPUTER.

Is my computer fast? Oh yeah. It's fine. Really. I mean, it's faster than the last one I had by a good margin. Here's the problem:

I want SLI.

I really, really want SLI.

For the uninitiated, SLI is a feature on new motherboards which basically allows you to have two identical video cards working in tandem to provide huge benefits in video processing. What does this mean? Imagine that brand new game you bought with all the bells and whistles turned on, with crystal clear graphics. Nary a jagged line in sight.

A thing of beauty, right?

Now comes the hard part: Convincing my wife.

She enjoys video games to a degree. She thinks they're all right. She doesn't understand why I would want to zone out in front of a video game for hours, no matter how pretty it looks. She also doesn't understand why I would want to spend so much money on a computer thingy when it works perfectly fine right now.

I feel kind of guilty about this next part, so bear with me. I think I've taken to deliberately sabotaging this poor little computer.

Now, it's done nothing wrong. Believe me, this is a nice computer I have. Its only fault is its owner.

So I've started leaving the window open nearby it. At night. During rainstorms.

NOT ON PURPOSE.

My last few repairs have gone somewhat bad. A missed jumper here, maybe a little too careless with one of the drives there.

NOT ON PURPOSE.

At this rate, my computer is going to commit suicide rather than have such a careless owner. I'll find it hanging from the ceiling by its power cord with a printed note attached that says "YOUR FAULT."

The one big problem with computers is how harsh the upgrade cycle is. If you want the latest and greatest, you have to keep on top of it. You can't just buy a $4,000 computer and expect it to be the best for the next five years. You have to keep putting more and more new stuff in it. I try explaining this to my dear, sweet wife, but I merely get the response of, "It's fine right now, and you don't need to play any more video games. You've got enough as is."

Sigh. I guess I'll have to go home and practice juggling knives. Right over the computer.

10 Experiences Every Gamer Should Have

1) No One Lives Forever – Feel the breeze in the parachute level. One of the most exhilarating levels in years has you free-falling towards another man’s parachute. Can you kill the soldiers jumping out of the plane after you? Can you steal the man’s parachute before you hit the ground? A very well-done level.

2) Morrowind – Get caught in a dust storm. The sun is blotted out, and you can practically feel the dust in your eyes. Your only thought is to find shelter. It puts you inside the game like no other effect I have seen.

3) Half-Life – The Blast Pit. A giant and blind monster is what separates you from freedom. It hears your steps and slams its beak down in your direction, killing you instantly. How do you avoid it? How do you survive? The answer is in the palm of your hand.

4) Super Smash Brothers Melee – Beat your loud-mouthed friend with a well-timed, fluky throw of a capsule, which makes him throw the controller in anger and punch you in the shoulder. Sure, he’s beaten you repeatedly, and sure, it may just be one win. But man, does it feel sweet.

5) Final Fantasy VII – The End Of Disc One. If you’ve played it, you know what I mean. If you haven’t, you are missing one of the most cinematic, wrenching experiences in gaming history. Don’t let anyone spoil it for you; just play it yourself.

6) Katamari Damacy – Everything about it. The quirkiest, most original game since, well, ever. An indomitable charm that defies description and belief.

7) Donkey Kong Country – Mine Cart Madness. The best mine cart level ever. Combines speed and crazy gambits and danger all in one. The music swells and fills the air with danger. It reminds you why you like games in the first place.

8) Sonic The Hedgehog 2 – The casino level. The first time you set foot in the casino level, you know you’re in for a different experience. Never before had a video game character turned into what amounts to a pinball. The speed and precision of the level is amazing.

9) Super Mario World 2: Yoshi’s Island – Eaten by a frog. You are now in a frog’s stomach, avoiding drops of stomach acid and throwing giant eggs at his uvula. (I said UVULA, you pervert.) An example of when games stop making excuses and just get creative.

10) Rise Of Nations – Crushing your enemies under your jackbooted heel. Something about watching your opponent’s territory shrink, piece by piece, is innately satisfying. It doesn’t get any purer than that.

New Format, and a Mini Superman Review

I have a new updating schedule!

In hopes that having a regular schedule will convince people to look at this blog sometimes (Ha! Ha ha!), I am now making a shorter entry on Tuesday/Wednesday and a more in-depth entry on Fridays. This will force me to keep a deadline (something which I am sorely lacking), and also will give you, the reader, a specific time to check in with me.

So, what’s on tap for this week? Well, I saw Superman Returns this Saturday. Now, I know the rest of the world has moved on to Pirates of the Caribbean, but I’m not a big PotC fan. In my world, here is the hierarchy:

Superheroes > Pirates > Ninjas > Julia Roberts

I hope that clears things up.

I loved Superman Returns. The people we went with took issue with the ending, claiming it ruined the entire movie. I didn’t think so. Sure, it was a stereotypical ending, but it wasn’t as bad as they said it was. It’s a first-day DVD purchase for me.

So, there it is. That’s the new format I’m shooting for. Shorter early in the week, and then something big on Friday.

By the way, if you do read this blog, let me know with a comment or two. It would really help. I don’t ask for much.