NES Replay: The Adventures of Bayou Billy

Developer: Konami
Publisher: Konami
Released: 1989
Raped: You Gon' Get It

In NES Replay, we go through each NES game from A-Z to see if they're any good. Today: The Adventures of Bayou Billy.

Our tastes change quite a bit from childhood to adulthood. When I was a kid, for example, I loved the Ernest movies. I watched and rewatched Ernest Goes to Camp and Ernest Goes to Jail and could practically recite them from memory. I look back and cringe because I can't believe what bad taste I had.

Likewise, the cover of The Adventures of Bayou Billy looked so cool to me when I was a kid. He looked like the ultimate guy you don't want to mess with, and I wanted to play Bayou Billy so badly. Now, I look at the cover and see a creepy-looking guy who's probably a child molester. Funny how we notice different things as we grow up.

So, twenty years later, I finally got to play Bayou Billy. I'd love to tell you that it's a lost classic and you don't know what you're missing, but if I told you that I would be lying through my teeth.

Bayou Billy has three different types of levels: Side-scrolling beat-em-up levels where you can barely hit your opponents and have to punch them practically eighty times before they die, shooting levels where you have a very small amount of bullets and frequently get shot by people you didn't see coming, and a driving level that I never got to because I so disgusted by the first two types of levels.

YOU GON' GET RAPED

First, the beat-em-up levels. You have to line up with your constantly-moving opponents practically to the pixel, then try and throw a punch at them. If you hit them, they'll hit you right back. They don't get stunned for a moment like they should, and they all appear to have just as much health as you do. What should be a Bayou Billy beatdown turns into a grade-school slapfight, with Bayou Billy on the ground puking on the basketball court and crying.

The shooting stages are a little better, but on some of the bosses, the enemies will appear on screen and shoot you immediately. I mean immediately. You don't even have time to shoot them first because they land and immediately start filling you full of holes.

Here's the crazy thing: Most of the time, developers would make the Japanese version of a game harder and the American version easier. Not so here. Apparently, the Japanese version of this game is easier. They cranked up the enemies' hit points just for us in the little old US of A. I don't know why Japan hates us so much.

The Adventures of Bayou Billy is awful. The boxart has a serious case of rapeface, and even the FAQ on GameFAQs admits that Bayou Billy is a piece of garbage. You tell me what I should rate this game.

Final Rating:

Next Week: Adventures of Dino Riki